Nice Dream

Last night, I had a nice dream of mom (unlike my previous ones).

I dreamt that I went to visit her in hospital and the nurse came out of her room smiling. She said "She's awake."
When I went in, mom was facing the window, with her back to the door. I walked around the bed, placed my hand on her arm and softly called her. She opened her eyes and saw me! I felt her love washing over me. I was so happy to relive this moment.

Then she said "So much pain" and I quickly called the nurse to come. While there was frantic activity around her, I told her "It's ok mom, you can go. I don't want to keep you here if it means you'll be in pain."

Then I woke up.

Nothing feels right

What do I want?

To be alone?
No, I just blankly stare into space.

To be with people?
No, too tiring and I've had enough of being a public figure. I'm not as patient with people as mom used to be.

To go out?
No, don't feel like getting dressed.

To stay home?
No, don't know what to do at home.

To sleep?
No, don't want to have any more dreams.

To stay awake?
No, being conscious is too hard to bear.

To read?
No, hard to stay focussed on the story.

To tidy up?
No, no energy for that.

To not tidy up?
No, seeing the mess at home makes things worse.

Now that I'm rested from the funeral, I have been moping around, drifting aimlessly, restless and don't know what to do with myself. So I bug my cats. I rub and stroke and cuddle them. And they've been most obliging.

Sonny says I must go back to work. That feels like a distant world. I've been completely out of it and I know there's so much to catch up on. I don't want to.

I have a long list of all the things I don't want to do. But what do I want to do? I don't know.

So shut up and just do it.

Don't think. Don't ask myself whether this feels right or not. Nothing will feel right for a while. So don't ask. Just do. That's what mom would do.

Why am I so restless? Because the only thing I want is the one thing I can't have.
So this is what is meant by accepting and making peace. No wonder everyone says 'be strong'.
Yes, it takes tremendous will power to pick myself up and out of the quicksand of depression.

Quick ref

To help you locate all the mommy related posts on this blog, here are the dates of the most meaningful events.
I don't know how to put links to all these posts so pls search using the date panel k.

2009 March : Henry Dunant Medal
2008 Sept : Mom's funny episode at the dentist
2008 January : Mom's 81st Birthday
2007 July : Mom's Mastectomy
2007 May & April : Avon's Tribute to Mothers
2007 January :Mom's 80th Birthday
2006 October & September : Mom at Terry Fox Run

Of course you are most welcome to read the whole blog if you wish. But you know how long winded I can be :) heeheehee...

Thank you, Yenny dearest.

Yenny Heriana from Medan, one of our graduates, posted this lovely note in Facebook. I'm very touched that she was touched. And Jeanette Hadi too.

"Funny how a passing of someone I don’t really know in person at all, could leave me such a heartache and a chemistry at the same time. Love spreads like virus.

It must be the same love she reached out to so many people that reach into me as well, translated and transferred through words alone, written passionately by her daughter in a blog. A simple but meaningful gesture to let a demising mother be acknowledged how much she’s loved and how many good things she has done.

And when it’s about time, so I read, everyone was there in the same room. Holding her hands, showering her with gentle kisses and lovely touches, playing music and telling jokes, forgiving and saying goodbye.

Then she knew it’s OK to leave.

Then she left.

Gracefully. Peacefully. Fulfilled.

. . .

“Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” (Author Unknown)

. . .

I wish I could put it in more convincing words how specifically I felt about this (or how I wish I could write how much I love my mom and made you adore the figure of my mom too, somehow like what Janet Lee makes me feel). There are feelings in me I’m not sure what they are, but are fighting to burst out of me. This is not one of those stories you read in the Chicken Soups for the Soul, darling. It is the magic of love, touching me with its-not-the-most-frontal-and-logical-way, but delivered."

. . .

Jeanette Hadi, also from Medan but working in Singapore commented "very beautiful yen :) i did feel the same way too but i don't know how to put them into words..."
Thank you Jeanette. Miss you and love you.

Heaven is when she's holding my hand

This was originally posted in March. I can hardly believe it was so long ago. So much has happened since. And we've been blessed to have so much bonus time with her.

Having the privilege to hold mom's hand is still the sweetest gift I have ever received. I somehow had the intuition that she wanted me to hold her hand while she took her leave so I made sure to sleep next to her, with her hand in mine for two nights. She could still grip, although weakly. And when I woke, her pulse would be stronger.

Finally when she took her leave, it was Dad and Mike who were holding her hands. I was whispering to her, so one hand was on her pulse at the neck and the other was stroking her head and crown chakra. I was able to be with her, as she had wanted. And as I needed to be.

This is what I miss most, I think : holding the hand of someone who is almost as divine as God. Jenn sent me this quote by an unknown author "Mother is God in the eyes of a child." Yes, she truly is.

Here's the original post :
I've been spending time with mom in hospital. She's been in two weeks today. It's been a real challenge juggling work and being with her but somehow I seem to be keeping afloat. Largely thanks to the excellent suppport systems in both places.

This time, mom has been more manja. Maybe cos she can't talk much. Or maybe she's just not as strong as before. Whatever the reason, I am happy to be able to be there with her.

I get to hold her hand. Sometimes, she's so sleepy but won't close her eyes until I hold her hand. Then she will grip my fingers and slowly close her eyes. Then peace... sweet peace.

No matter how cramped my arm, neck and back are, I am in Heaven. I am so grateful to have this time with her. At these times, I don't care about anything else in the world. My whole world is her. I feel I am in this bubble of peace and love and comfort. There's nowhere else I would rather be.

She's usually so independent and always telling me not to spend too much time with her : who's looking after 95%, who's looking after daddy or Sonny. This time, she is different. One night, I told her that I'm leaving to have dinner with dad and Sonny. She didn't nod so I asked again. Still no nod. Then I asked if she wanted me to stay. Oh she gave a big nod! I was so happy to stay. Not hungry anymore.

Then yesterday, I wanted to go down to Starbucks and download my emails. I asked "can I go down for 10 minutes?" Loud and clear, she answered "Cannot".

I am so thrilled. She's never been like this. Maybe she knows I need this time with her before she goes. I really treasure this.

She's been such an amazing patient. She really demonstrates patience! And grace. No complaints, she obediently puts up with everything the doctors prescribe. Still remains positive and cooperative.

But tonight after getting the PEG feeding tube inserted into her stomach, I saw her frustration and her pain. I saw how unpleasant it was for her to remain conscious. In sleep, she's at peace. Awake, she's in pain. I hope this will ease once the stomach tube heals, and I pray she will be comfortable and happy for as long as she is here.

One final gift from Mom

Mom left us and took the hand of God at 4.58pm today. It was more peaceful and graceful than I could ever have imagined.

For details, click on the title of this post.