This was originally posted in March. I can hardly believe it was so long ago. So much has happened since. And we've been blessed to have so much bonus time with her.
Having the privilege to hold mom's hand is still the sweetest gift I have ever received. I somehow had the intuition that she wanted me to hold her hand while she took her leave so I made sure to sleep next to her, with her hand in mine for two nights. She could still grip, although weakly. And when I woke, her pulse would be stronger.
Finally when she took her leave, it was Dad and Mike who were holding her hands. I was whispering to her, so one hand was on her pulse at the neck and the other was stroking her head and crown chakra. I was able to be with her, as she had wanted. And as I needed to be.
This is what I miss most, I think : holding the hand of someone who is almost as divine as God. Jenn sent me this quote by an unknown author "Mother is God in the eyes of a child." Yes, she truly is.
Here's the original post :
I've been spending time with mom in hospital. She's been in two weeks today. It's been a real challenge juggling work and being with her but somehow I seem to be keeping afloat. Largely thanks to the excellent suppport systems in both places.
This time, mom has been more manja. Maybe cos she can't talk much. Or maybe she's just not as strong as before. Whatever the reason, I am happy to be able to be there with her.
I get to hold her hand. Sometimes, she's so sleepy but won't close her eyes until I hold her hand. Then she will grip my fingers and slowly close her eyes. Then peace... sweet peace.
No matter how cramped my arm, neck and back are, I am in Heaven. I am so grateful to have this time with her. At these times, I don't care about anything else in the world. My whole world is her. I feel I am in this bubble of peace and love and comfort. There's nowhere else I would rather be.
She's usually so independent and always telling me not to spend too much time with her : who's looking after 95%, who's looking after daddy or Sonny. This time, she is different. One night, I told her that I'm leaving to have dinner with dad and Sonny. She didn't nod so I asked again. Still no nod. Then I asked if she wanted me to stay. Oh she gave a big nod! I was so happy to stay. Not hungry anymore.
Then yesterday, I wanted to go down to Starbucks and download my emails. I asked "can I go down for 10 minutes?" Loud and clear, she answered "Cannot".
I am so thrilled. She's never been like this. Maybe she knows I need this time with her before she goes. I really treasure this.
She's been such an amazing patient. She really demonstrates patience! And grace. No complaints, she obediently puts up with everything the doctors prescribe. Still remains positive and cooperative.
But tonight after getting the PEG feeding tube inserted into her stomach, I saw her frustration and her pain. I saw how unpleasant it was for her to remain conscious. In sleep, she's at peace. Awake, she's in pain. I hope this will ease once the stomach tube heals, and I pray she will be comfortable and happy for as long as she is here.