Mom's advice for sore throat

Gargle with salt water.

That thought came to me loud and clear on Saturday night as I was suffering from a really painful sore throat. No matter how much honey, lozenges, cough syrup I took, it still hurt like crazy. Even reiki didn't help much. I was wandering restlessly around the house when that memory came to me. Mom always used to say that whenever I had a sore throat as a child. So I obeyed. And it worked. My throat was much, much better yesterday. Thanks mom :)

Dad and I have decided to honour her by organising a memorial on her birthday, 21st January. Yay-Yay!

Message from Mom

I dreamt of mom again last night. This time, she was teaching how to look after a baby. Mom was young and vibrant, and when I woke up (at about 4am), I couldn't go back to sleep. It felt very peaceful just lying there in bed.

Two realisations dawned on me : I am to go for the Living Fully and Joyfully talk this weekend, and I know mom will be with me when I have a baby. Not so scary now.

Cooking brings me back to mom

I'm so glad I decided to cook dinner for the family last night. It kinda made it feel like a special ocassion, especially when sis-in-law Phyllis got us to finish off the bottle of white wine that she opened just to marinate the fish that Mike caught.

I decided to make spaghetti bolognaise, mom's specialty. And throughout the whole process, I felt mom very close to me. Her voice accompanied me as I peeled, chopped, sauted, stirred and seasoned. I kept hearing all the things she used to say to me as she was teaching me to cook. She taught me all her tricks, and then she'd shake her head as I added my own twists to it.

I've been wondering, how come I don't feel mom around me? I thought it was because my heart was closed off. Or that I just wasn't ready to allow her in. But last night was different. It was natural, and so very beautiful. I guess she's in the things we used to share. Things for the family, things for the community. Not in my work. At home. That's where she is. That's where she wants me to be. Maybe that the blueprint that a mom leaves behind for her daughter.

Well, family dinner was a lot warmer than usual. We planned Dad's birthday dinner and even spoke briefly about Christmas. Mom would want us to celebrate. She'd want us to be happy.

I remember last year - I knew it would probably be her last one with us. So I decided to not get caught up in doing so much cooking and baking and running around. I didn't want to tire myself out. I wanted to be able to be with her. So I let my two sis-in-laws cook and got the maids to do most of the work. I remember wheeling mom into the kitchen and letting her taste everything. It was a nice last Christmas.

Mom's birthday is on January 21st. Hmmm, maybe we should remember her on that day and have some kind of memorial. Better to remember her on the day she was born instead of the day she left us. Ok, my next mission will be to speak to dad about this.

It takes courage to start again

Start what?
Start exercising.
Start tidying up.
Start praying.
Start meditating.
Start healing.
Start blogging.
Start living.

Sonny says I should start blogging again. Actually, this was his second gentle hint. This time, it sank in. Thanks dear :)

And I think all of the above is linked. When my body is sore and aching, I can't really do anything. So this morning, after two days of lazing around, I finally felt strong enough to start Qi Gong and Pranic Healing. And it was good. Very good. I started sweating immediately. My mind cleared.

I decided to cook dinner for the family tonight. I haven't done this since I cooked for mom.

Haha, I remember the crazy baking spree at the beginning of this year. She enjoyed my butter cake with melted chocolate, and she ate everything up at an amazing speed! I was baking almost every other day! And she kept saying there was not enough chocolate in the cake - even though there was more chocolate than batter! Haha, that's mom- she loves to indulge.

The other thing that became clear for me was about 95%. December looks like it'll be a quiet month. I thought of filling up the weekends with Training Overviews and Me? A Copywriter? workshops, but haven't done it yet. I've been worried about our slow down and we haven't made any firm plans about December and 2010. Worry. Stress...

What became clear is this : take the time out to rest, heal and create. Stop the frantic running and chasing. Enough of being the hamster in the wheel. Stop. Breathe. Listen. And create.

Then an idea came. I suddenly saw a solution to a problem I have been struggling with.

So I think this is how I'm going to spend December. Stay away from frantic busy-ness. Allow myself space to heal. Allow inspiration to come. Get enough rest so that I have energy to create a home. This house hasn't felt like a home since mom died. It's time to change that and re-create a home here. In order to do that, I need to be rested.

Ok, I feel energised enough to start attacking my finances and filing now! Whooohooo!!!

No heart to write

I haven't blogged cos I just don't have anything to share. I don't want to open my heart and feel cos then I'll miss mom so much. I've been keeping myself busy and tiring myself out. It is my survival tip. Allow the grief to well up in small doses that I can handle without being overwhelmed. It's so very easy to give in to depression and give up everything. I fight it. I fight it with every ounce of will power I have only because I know mom would want me to be ok. And I do it for dad. He needs looking after.

Ruby Lee remembered

Click on the title to read a lovely letter by former MRCS volunteer ST Rajagopal.

This letter sent me back in time to my early childhood days at the MRCS office. She would bring me with her during weekends and school holidays and functions. There was always food. Always!

One line in that letter really hit me : "She is an extraordinary leader who felt proud to give credit where credit is due whether it’s a big or small achievement."

That's mom. She saw only the good in people, and would always point it out to others so that everyone sees it too. Imagine seeing the world through her eyes - full of goodness and humanity.

Nice Dream

Last night, I had a nice dream of mom (unlike my previous ones).

I dreamt that I went to visit her in hospital and the nurse came out of her room smiling. She said "She's awake."
When I went in, mom was facing the window, with her back to the door. I walked around the bed, placed my hand on her arm and softly called her. She opened her eyes and saw me! I felt her love washing over me. I was so happy to relive this moment.

Then she said "So much pain" and I quickly called the nurse to come. While there was frantic activity around her, I told her "It's ok mom, you can go. I don't want to keep you here if it means you'll be in pain."

Then I woke up.