Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Mind vs The Heart

This morning at about 7-ish, Sonny was awakened by his cousin's phone call. Sonny's uncle was in critical condition, expected to pass on in a few hours.

We got dressed and went directly to the hospital. Being back in the ICU, after mom and Sonny's dad, I thought I would feel upset, but all I felt was a sense of familiarity and concern for the family.

Mom's very prolonged and peaceful death has done a lot to change my perception of this thing called death.

Have you ever noticed how people shy away from using that word? Yes, it's a sad event, no matter how we try to make it seem better. And we have come up with so many things to say, to make things seem better: They've gone to a better place. There's no pain, no suffering. They're in Heaven now.

And yet, the families will still miss them dreadfully. No matter how the logical mind insists that this is the way it's meant to be, the emotional heart will still grieve.

The Mind says "Death is inevitable".

The Heart says "Yes, I know, but it hurts!"

The Mind says "You must let go and move on."

The Heart says "But I don't want to lose this loved one. I don't want to lose this love."

The Mind says "You cannot hold on."

The Heart says "I know, I know. And I will let go. Feeling the sadness, expressing the pain does not mean I won't let go. I will. Just don't ask me to not feel. Console me by crying with me. Not by telling me I musn't cry."

Why are we so afraid of losing our composure?

Because we get judged. When I cry about mom, my family looks at me as if I am handicapped. No, No, cannot cry anymore. We wouldn't want her to have continued being alive to suffer. So must not cry, must not be sad. La-la-la-la-la... let's put on a happy face for each other and help each other deny the sadness, deny the grief.

I can understand why it's so easy for families to drift apart. Every one grieves in their own way. Every one has their own way of coping. It is difficult. And by expecting everyone to be the same as me, I only make things worse.

Last Monday was June 14th - the anniversary of mom's death. I learnt to respect my family and give them the space to cope in whatever way they are comfortable with. And respect myself to do it in my way.

Now, it is Uncle Lui's family that has to learn to cope. May God be with them all. May God's Blessings guide Uncle Lui peacefully home.


Blogger jingwei said...

Loss is hard to deal with.

I don't think it ever fades away completely, but we learn how to live with it.


3:21 PM  

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