Monday, June 22, 2009

Nothing feels right

What do I want?

To be alone?
No, I just blankly stare into space.

To be with people?
No, too tiring and I've had enough of being a public figure. I'm not as patient with people as mom used to be.

To go out?
No, don't feel like getting dressed.

To stay home?
No, don't know what to do at home.

To sleep?
No, don't want to have any more dreams.

To stay awake?
No, being conscious is too hard to bear.

To read?
No, hard to stay focussed on the story.

To tidy up?
No, no energy for that.

To not tidy up?
No, seeing the mess at home makes things worse.

Now that I'm rested from the funeral, I have been moping around, drifting aimlessly, restless and don't know what to do with myself. So I bug my cats. I rub and stroke and cuddle them. And they've been most obliging.

Sonny says I must go back to work. That feels like a distant world. I've been completely out of it and I know there's so much to catch up on. I don't want to.

I have a long list of all the things I don't want to do. But what do I want to do? I don't know.

So shut up and just do it.

Don't think. Don't ask myself whether this feels right or not. Nothing will feel right for a while. So don't ask. Just do. That's what mom would do.

Why am I so restless? Because the only thing I want is the one thing I can't have.
So this is what is meant by accepting and making peace. No wonder everyone says 'be strong'.
Yes, it takes tremendous will power to pick myself up and out of the quicksand of depression.


Blogger Big Pumpkin said... I feel for you. I'm not surprised and think it is only natural now that you are feeling this way. And I'm also sure that 10 years later after you're back on your feet right up there in the world, there will still be moments where you'll feel just completely blah....because, well because your Mom was so special that she had this impact in your life. And even if she's not here physically in body, remember that she's always beside you in spirit. *hugs*

12:40 PM  
Anonymous Yenny said...

Just do it, as Nike said. Be the audiences of ur minds. Dunt obey, don't say 'No'. Just watch the feelings and thoughts... and it'll go away...


4:32 PM  

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