Monday, November 30, 2009

Cooking brings me back to mom

I'm so glad I decided to cook dinner for the family last night. It kinda made it feel like a special ocassion, especially when sis-in-law Phyllis got us to finish off the bottle of white wine that she opened just to marinate the fish that Mike caught.

I decided to make spaghetti bolognaise, mom's specialty. And throughout the whole process, I felt mom very close to me. Her voice accompanied me as I peeled, chopped, sauted, stirred and seasoned. I kept hearing all the things she used to say to me as she was teaching me to cook. She taught me all her tricks, and then she'd shake her head as I added my own twists to it.

I've been wondering, how come I don't feel mom around me? I thought it was because my heart was closed off. Or that I just wasn't ready to allow her in. But last night was different. It was natural, and so very beautiful. I guess she's in the things we used to share. Things for the family, things for the community. Not in my work. At home. That's where she is. That's where she wants me to be. Maybe that the blueprint that a mom leaves behind for her daughter.

Well, family dinner was a lot warmer than usual. We planned Dad's birthday dinner and even spoke briefly about Christmas. Mom would want us to celebrate. She'd want us to be happy.

I remember last year - I knew it would probably be her last one with us. So I decided to not get caught up in doing so much cooking and baking and running around. I didn't want to tire myself out. I wanted to be able to be with her. So I let my two sis-in-laws cook and got the maids to do most of the work. I remember wheeling mom into the kitchen and letting her taste everything. It was a nice last Christmas.

Mom's birthday is on January 21st. Hmmm, maybe we should remember her on that day and have some kind of memorial. Better to remember her on the day she was born instead of the day she left us. Ok, my next mission will be to speak to dad about this.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

It takes courage to start again

Start what?
Start exercising.
Start tidying up.
Start praying.
Start meditating.
Start healing.
Start blogging.
Start living.

Sonny says I should start blogging again. Actually, this was his second gentle hint. This time, it sank in. Thanks dear :)

And I think all of the above is linked. When my body is sore and aching, I can't really do anything. So this morning, after two days of lazing around, I finally felt strong enough to start Qi Gong and Pranic Healing. And it was good. Very good. I started sweating immediately. My mind cleared.

I decided to cook dinner for the family tonight. I haven't done this since I cooked for mom.

Haha, I remember the crazy baking spree at the beginning of this year. She enjoyed my butter cake with melted chocolate, and she ate everything up at an amazing speed! I was baking almost every other day! And she kept saying there was not enough chocolate in the cake - even though there was more chocolate than batter! Haha, that's mom- she loves to indulge.

The other thing that became clear for me was about 95%. December looks like it'll be a quiet month. I thought of filling up the weekends with Training Overviews and Me? A Copywriter? workshops, but haven't done it yet. I've been worried about our slow down and we haven't made any firm plans about December and 2010. Worry. Stress...

What became clear is this : take the time out to rest, heal and create. Stop the frantic running and chasing. Enough of being the hamster in the wheel. Stop. Breathe. Listen. And create.

Then an idea came. I suddenly saw a solution to a problem I have been struggling with.

So I think this is how I'm going to spend December. Stay away from frantic busy-ness. Allow myself space to heal. Allow inspiration to come. Get enough rest so that I have energy to create a home. This house hasn't felt like a home since mom died. It's time to change that and re-create a home here. In order to do that, I need to be rested.

Ok, I feel energised enough to start attacking my finances and filing now! Whooohooo!!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

No heart to write

I haven't blogged cos I just don't have anything to share. I don't want to open my heart and feel cos then I'll miss mom so much. I've been keeping myself busy and tiring myself out. It is my survival tip. Allow the grief to well up in small doses that I can handle without being overwhelmed. It's so very easy to give in to depression and give up everything. I fight it. I fight it with every ounce of will power I have only because I know mom would want me to be ok. And I do it for dad. He needs looking after.