Ahaa...

At last, now I understand...

In the past 10 years, whenever I wanted something, I would apply the skills and tools I learnt from various masters - focus my thoughts, visualise, draw it out, write it in red, think about it the first thing every morning and the last thing before I fall asleep, take action aligned to doing it and having it... and sometimes it works, but many, many times it doesn't. I've gone vegetarian, assigned karma, paid for pujas, done the Law of Attraction thingy... many, many different things.

And yet, the results seem to be random, unpredictable, uncontrollable. There have been many painful disappointments, many crushing failures.

I attended the Manifesting Money Metaphysically workshop by Sophia Catha yesterday, and I finally realised why I sometimes don't get what I want : my physical vibration and consciousness is not aligned to the vibration that is required to hold/maintain/support the things I want.

Another master, Isis, Dr. Carolyne Fuqua, taught me this, but I didn't get it until yesterday. I need to keep my vibration in the upper realm, and not allow myself to sucked into the lower vibrations.

The higher vibrations are created by thoughts and feelings of love, peace, joy, abundance and generosity. The lower vibrations are fear, desperation, disappointment, anger, frustration, all those too familiar grungies :(

How to shift to a higher vibration? Pray. Meditate. Control my thoughts because they dictate my emotions. Purify my present and past issues so that I clean out some space for new energies to come in. Practise, get feedback, and keep working.

Don't allow what I perceive through my 5 senses to dictate how I feel. The evidence I see in the physical world around me, will only get me down. Hold my vision. Hold the energy of higher vibration.

This reminds me of what Donald Trump said when he was asked how he felt when he made losses and debts that ran into billions. He said "I feel pretty much the same as how I feel when I make millions."

This is not about being in denial or living in a fake happy positivity; I interpret this as having unshakeable faith in himself and his power to manifest. With strong steady faith, there is no need to feel lousy just because the results are poor. Results are just feedback that something is not working - so just fix it, and keep going for the goal.

Wheras for me, I go down the tube of "what's wrong with me?" Hahaha!

So referring to my earlier post about me and money, I now realise that I repel money, money doesn't stick to me because my vibration is not aligned to having prosperity.

When I look at my behaviour with my 5 senses, I see that I am wasteful, not responsible, not aware of the value of money. All these are judgements that make me feel bad about myself.

When I shared this with Sophia, she said I waste my money, I spend it all or generously give it all away, because I AM NOT COMFORTABLE with having money. My vibration is not high enough to match the vibration of prosperity.

Why? I still have beliefs that money is bad. Being rich brings separation, alienation and loneliness. Aha! A deeper discovery about myself and money.

Last week, someone said to me "You come from a well-off family, you don't need money. So you don't chase it. That is selfish, because the rest of us need money."

Ouch.

This reinforced my belief that if I have money, I am not like 'the rest of us'. If I have money, I am an outcast. This was my experience in primary school. I was always lonely. I was laughed at for having a driver come pick me up. I missed out on the fun my friends had when they were waiting for the school bus. I didn't know how to take public transport, didn't know how to order food at coffee shops, didn't have the same pens, pencils, pencil boxes, hair clips, watch, purse, school bag, as the rest of my closest friends.

It's not that my parents bought me expensive stuff. They received gifts from their friends and passed them on to me. When I was 16, I received a Piaget diamond-encrusted watch. I hid it away in embarrasment. Mom would give me the expensive bags that her friends gave her - but I wanted the cheap plastic ones that my friends were using instead.

That's exactly the same pattern as my Dad wanting to buy me a BMW but I chose a Kelisa instead. Hahahah! Well, at least now I know. Duh!

Same thing with my spiritual development. When I regularly practise, I feel separated from the people closest to me. So I stop. I stop because I don't want to leave people behind. I don't want to be alone.

As I write this, I remember an exercise I went through during my One Vision training : I got it, my partner didn't, the only way I could move forward was to go back and bring her with me. The feeling of 'flying' together with her was just simply beautiful! No longer alone, I had someone to share my experience with!

THIS is the reality I want to create now.

So it is not being rich, or being spiritual that alienates me. It is going it alone, not bringing people with me. Not looking back. Just being self-centered and thinking only of myself. THIS causes separation and aloneness.

So I will share. I will continuously work on myself, and not stop. And I will share, and do all I can to guide others to learn and grow too. As I am guided, I too shall guide.

I thank the people who have pointed this out to me. Although it was painful at that time, I would not have learnt this if you had not been honest and open with me back then.

Now, it's time for my second cup of coffee :)

Have an awesomely abundant week. Thank you so much for reading my blog.

I am honoured that you are interested in what I have to share. Thank you.

Sometimes, fantasy stories are not that far-fetched at all

I love the Tree of Souls in Pandora. I love how the Dals in the David Eddings' Mallorean series share a collective consciousness. Every thought, action, experience that is experienced by an individual is experienced by the entire species. Wow!

(gosh... i suddenly realised there's a cat curled up in our closet -_-)

I've always thought it would be such a wonderful thing if we could somehow record every lesson, every achievement, every insight and experience that the human race has ever encountered and have it stored somewhere for our easy access when needed.

Ok, I suppose the geeks would say - wikipedia! Hmm.

But what is also true is that the people who touch us, DO stay with us. The experiences they share ARE recorded within us, for easy access when we need it.

We are, each and every one of us, a branch of the Tree of Souls. Every encounter with the people in our lives are stored within us.

Whenever I'm cooking or doing anything around the home, I hear mom's voice guiding me. Everything she has learnt about cooking, and sewing, and family, and life, lives on through me. They make me who I am.

Whenever I'm at work, everything I've learnt from my previous bosses, mentors, colleagues, comes back to guide me. Things that worked as well as things that didn't work, they all form a kind of collective wisdom within me. There are many moments when I ask myself - what would Peter in all his benevolent wisdom do? How would Agnes move us out of a rut? What outrageous ideas would TL come up with? What would Neil French say? Rob Speechley? Steve Matthews? Kim Fernando? Ai Shih? They all come back to me, when I need them. Either showing me what to do, or what not to do, as I make my own decisions.

In crisis as well as in random quiet moments, the teachings of Master Choa Kok Sui, Bettie Sprueil, Isis, Shyalpa Rinpoche, Paolo Coelho, Neale Donald Walsch, all surface to guide me.

These are the individuals who have touched me directly. Now expand this a little farther... the lessons of Hitler, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Donald Trump, hahaha... even the Top Chef Masters and some of the Project Runway designers, are within me too.

So maybe this is the ultimate purpose of all our lives : to experience and learn as much as we possibly can, and add to the collective consciousness of humanity. Maybe that's why our lives take such different turns. People have such different paths to walk... because their mission is to contribute that particular experience to our pool.

So we must share. If not, our experiences are not added to the pool. We must share so that the collective consciousness grows.

(it's getting hard to type cos Wabi has crawled into my arms and is sucking on my t-shirt - he's a heavy cat!)

It's no point trying to live someone else's life - that would be duplicating the experience that someone else has already contributed to the collective pool. Nothing new is added, the collective pool doesn't grow.

We must direct the course of our own lives. Draw on the collective wisdom to make our own choices - this is how we create new experiences. And when we share, we enrich humanity.

Lately, i've thought it would be nice to have a daughter to pass mom's wisdom to. Mom's wisdom combined with mine. The way mom looked after grandma in her last days was a kinda subconscious guide to how I looked after mom when her own time came.

I was not even conscious of it at that time - it just seemed like the right thing to do. It is only now as I write that I am recalling Mom's long days and nights at the hospital and how she completed the mother-daughter journey with her mom. Mine was different yet has similarities.

How did I know I had to stop sleeping by her side, stop being the one to hold her hand, so that she can take her leave? Grandma's moment of passing came when mom stepped out of the hospital room and onto the balcony for a breath of air. Just as grandma couldn't leave while mom was in the room, I knew mom couldn't leave as long as I was sleeping by her side, holding her hand.

And yet, I created a completely new experience : I was out of her room for most of the last day. When I was in the room, we were all laughing and joking. There was distance. There was a 'letting go'. And yet, I was there when she stopped breathing. I was talking to her, monitoring her pulse and when I said the words 'Goodbye mom' her pulse suddenly stopped. It was perfect.

So I believe that sometimes we spontaneously know what to do because at some level we are tapping into the collective consciousness of all of humankind's experiences. It is all there within us, regardless of whether we are aware of it or not.

I don't have a daughter, but Maxine and Mellissa were there taking turns to hold mom's hand, so I know that one day, they will add their own experiences to this. I hope they will share it as I am sharing mine, so that someone somewhere can access it when it is needed.

Whoever you are, whatever you have experienced, please share.

Robin Sharma got me thinking..

He tweeted this : @_robin_sharma I'm so much more interested in how many people you've developed vs how much money you've made.

It came at the right time. I'm going through one of those spells where I wonder why I am not chasing money as much as I think I should. Hah, that last sentence is a symptom of the great muddle in my mind.

I think I should be chasing money. But then I find that I'm not. I find I am putting more energy into long term branding activities and building my team. Then we fall short of target. Then I think there is something wrong with me. Then I get all grouchy and miserable. How can we sustain our business if I am not money-minded?

So when Robin Sharma's tweet came, it stopped me in my tracks. I read it again and again. At first I thought it meant that developing people is important than making money. Ya, that's so me -_- But as I sat with that thought, I realised that it made me uncomfortable.

You know how a truth will ring true? That light bulb moment? Well, I didn't experience that.

Instead a little nagging voice asked - what does this really mean ah? Do charity work ah? Train people at whatever fee they can afford? Is this what I really want? No, something doesn't feel right about this way of thinking. It's not what I want at all.

So I asked myself, is there another way to look at this? Maybe it goes back to WHY I want to make money. The immediate answer that came to me is 'so that I can re-invest and expand and be able to develop more people'. OK, sounds like a good answer. Is this true for me?

How do I really feel about money?

I think I have a pretty distant relationship with money and wealth. I went shopping last weekend, determined to buy a good designer bag. I found a DKNY that I liked. It cost RM590. That was within my budget. But I continued looking. I found the same bag in a different colour at Parkson and it was on sale - only RM241. And I had RM70 worth of discount vouchers. So it would only cost me RM171. I should have been happy - but no, I continued looking.

Hours later, I found a bag that I liked so much I immediately wanted it, even without asking the price. It was perfect for me - the right colour, design and size. How much was it? RM60. I am happy. Completely satisfied. I bought matching shoes (that were really comfy) and I happily went home.

Haha, I just remembered : apparently, some time ago, dad wanted to buy me a BMW and I said no, I want a Kelisa. Funny thing is, I don't even remember this conversation! It was Sonny who brought it up years later - he witnessed this exchange and was left dumbstruck. It didn't leave an impression on me but it obviously traumatised him!

Why don't I like expensive things? What's wrong with me? I know this mindset drives my two partners crazy. This is holding us back, keeping us small and struggling. Because I don't believe in paying an excessive amount of money for the things I buy - I feel dreadfully uncomfortable about charging our clients on a scale that is aligned to what Shahnaz and Peter want to charge. I just cannot see how to justify a high price. I can't appreciate the value. Or rather, I am unable to translate the value I see to $$$. It's a blind spot for me.

This is my inner conflict.

I know that what we do is important and valuable. I know I can do NGO work instead, no need to make lots of money, just live frugally and I will be happy. I experienced this when I set up Peace Please Sdn Bhd. I've also experienced the other extreme during my early advertising days - earning big bucks and spending like there' s no tomorrow.

What I am committed to create now is a combination of both. Earning big bucks while living moderately. Getting paid well for doing something that adds value to people's lives. I set up 95% to prove that this is possible. I refuse to believe that people have to choose between money and values. Some companies have already started operating this way - I want to do it too.

But if I get paid for doing something good, does that make it less good?

Maybe this is why Donald Trump and Bill Gates set up charitable foundations. So when they make money, they are completely clear that their intention is to maximise profit. Then they pour a percentage into pure charity. Nicely compartmentalised. No conflict.

But even this doesn't feel right for me.

I want both to happen simultaneously - I want it to be a complete, wholistic way of life. Giving and receiving in abundance as a natural cycle. THIS is what I want.

Yes, the work I do to develop people will always be more interesting than the money I make - but BOTH are important and I am committed to improve my competence in both areas simultaneously.

*... sigh ... *

Ok, I'm done for now. Conclusion : this is bugging me now. I will pay attention and keep exploring within myself. Conflict and discomfort means I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I am in the realm of 'I don't know' and that's a scary yet exciting place.

That's a sign of growth. I am committed to grow myself, my business. One belief that works for me is, the more I grow myself, the more I have to give. To stay in balance, I open myself to also increase my capacity to receive.