What's My Purpose?
A couple of weeks ago, my Dad was venting : he was just letting off steam, expressing his concern about Mom's health and how she's getting more and more forgetful. When he said "...she can't take care of herself anymore, and all of us are so busy with our own lives" ... I was cut to the core.
I actually thought that maybe I should give up 95%, close down for a while, and look after Mom completely for the next few years. After all, the two months that I spent looking after her, after her stroke, remains a very sweet and precious memory to me. I do love her so very much. But ...
95% is a dream that is already coming true. We've worked so hard to get it up and going that if I stop now, I don't know if I'll ever have the energy to do it all over again later, when I'm older.
Sigh... I felt so guilty for wanting to pursue my dream and leave Mom so alone. What made it worse was that she had 'loaned' me a rather big sum of money to set up 95% - if I close down now, all her money would be just gone. So how? What do I do?
Sigh again ...
That was the self-inflicted drama that I went through then. When I came to my senses, I realised that Mom has always, always wanted us all to lead happy, fulfilled lives. I think it would upset her tremendously if she knew we wanted to give it up for her. If you know my Mom, you'll know that she would never allow that. She's such a great giver.
One day, I received some feedback : these two friends I sat with told me that they see me surrounded by people, children of all ages. I saw it too - I saw myself in the middle of a huge crowd - in a beautiful garden full of colourful flowers and tall trees. There was much love and laughter, and in the background, mom sat in her wheelchair smiling proudly.
Sounds so corny huh? Well, that was the picture in my mind.
It doesn't mean I will leave mom lonely though, I'll spend time with her - and because I'm not feeling guilty anymore, I can be fully present for her.
The day after I decided all this, I was cuddling Wabi Sabi in the chair next to her. Wasn't really saying much, and wasn't doing anything in particular for her, just relaxing with my fat cat. When I got up to go, she suddenly said "it's nice to have you home". And I thought, gee whizz, it's that easy? I was just relaxing. And she's happy? Amazing!
Anyway, I think my purpose (as I understand it now) is to reach out to people and make a difference. And 95% is a vehicle that can make that happen. So I will continue building 95%. I want it to be big and prosperous, with many trainers. And I will have free time to go home to relax with mom (and Wabi) ;)
That's my stairway to Heaven. Tell me, what's yours? What do you think your life purpose is (for now, anyway)?