A Rainbow Life

Be Here Now

2011-04-23T10:25:00.003+08:00

Last night, I went to the SS2 durian stalls for a loooong-awaited feast ;P

At the next table, there was a man, all by himself, enjoying a durian, with a look of pure rapture on his face. He seemed lost in his own private Heaven. Nothing else mattered but him and the piece of durian in his hand.

Two Lessons I take from this ...

1. Be Here Now : Be fully present, give my full attention to whatever it is that I am doing and truly appreciate the experience. When I do, I can't help but feel this tremendous sense of gratitude to God for creating such wonder. Then, I am happy :)

2. If I want to do something, just do it! I've been pestering Sonny and Sue to feed me durian. And I've been waiting for weeks! But here is this guy who came on his own. He didn't need anyone to accompany him, he is just happy to spend his time doing his own thing. And enjoying it so much! Wow!

For me, the durian thing was not that big a deal. But the question for myself is, where else in my life do I stop myself from enjoying what I love just because I don't want to do it alone? What would I do if there was nothing to stop me?

Hmmm... interesting...

My New Understanding of Breakfast

2011-04-18T09:54:00.002+08:00

I used to think it was a luxury. I'll make it for Sonny, but not for myself. Now, after all the work I've been doing with Master Isis, breakfast has new meaning for me.

Now, spending 20 minutes to make myself something yummy in the morning is an affirmation that I am worth it. It is a declaration that I have time! I have time to smell the roses and eat delicious food. The phase of frantic overwork and struggle is over. I know my day will be sorted everytime I start the day with my new morning routine : prayer, reading & self-reflection, meditation and breakfast.

This means, I fill myself up first so I have more to give to the day ahead. Fuel up, so I can have full energy for the day ahead. Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?!

And what do I fill myself up with?

Breakfast enhances my appreciation and gratitude to God and Mother Nature. It is an affirmation of God's Greatness and Magnificence in creating such wonders for me (all of us) to enjoy. As I fill my tummy, I also fill my whole being with a sense of wonder and gratitude to God.

What better way to start the day?

:) :) :)

Choose My Battles

2011-02-12T07:11:00.002+08:00

In my past, stepping up the challenge was the 'thing' for me. It took courage to say Yes! I accept this challenge even though I don't have any evidence that I can win.

This attitude has brought me great success. I have achieved things that I never ever thought I could do. It has worked for me. Throughout my entire advertising career, my training career and even now at 95%, this is what makes me successful.

But I am at a new place in my life now : I want a more peaceful, joyful life. And I want this without having to compromise on my vision.

I am no stranger to hard work. And this has brought me good results. But there have also been sacrifices - I have less time and energy to spend on the battles that really matter: being with Mom, working on Kenny's pardon, being with Dad, Sonny, my friends.

By big aha moment this morning is, when I channel my heart, my time and energy into battles I am not likely to win is a waste of my TIME, my ENERGY, MY LIFE.

Life is precious. My time is precious. My energy is precious. I want to use what I have to achieve my Vision and at the same time take care of my family, my friends and still have time and energy left to just simply enjoy life.

The answer is : CHOOSE MY BATTLES.

No need to prove that I have the courage to step up. No need to prove I have faith and confidence in myself. I know that already. Now, step back and choose. If I have nothing left to prove, what would I do?

Do nothing that serves no purpose.

Ask myself, what is the purpose of doing this? What can I achieve? Is it worth my time? My precious life?

Do less work, but do more meaningful work. So I will be less busy, more effective.

If the next 24 hours were your last, what would you do?

2011-02-11T08:11:00.008+08:00

Source: Daily Guidance from your Angel Oracle Cards

by Doreen Virtue, PH.D.

I would work all the stiffness out of my body and I would pray and meditate. Pray for Kenny. Then I would do my best to be fully aware of each breath, each chirp of the birds, each tremble and pulse in the world around me.

I remember Master Choa Kok Sui saying that proper meditation is concentration and awareness. To have just one would be unbalanced.

So what if I were to live each day in this state : being aware of the preciousness of life, 24 hours at a time.

When I checked in to The Golden Space's angel cards, this was the one I received. Very apt :)

Click on the title to visit their lovely site.

A dream come true

2010-10-02T00:27:00.002+08:00

Sometime last year I declared to myself that I want to stand for our graduates to win in the main categories, and not just student awards. It's a much tougher challenge and a bigger dream.

Tonight at the Effies, I was so proud when Lucideas won a Bronze. Then when they announced that they also won a Gold, my heart leapt for joy. A Gold Effie says a lot. Unlike Kancil Awards where about a hundred entries win, Effies only had 28 finalists and gave out 4 Golds.

Unfortunately I didn't hear who the other three winners were because I was too busy hugging them and wiping away my tears. Why did I suddenly decide to wear mascara tonight???

Just as I went back to my seat, another graduate, Dave, came up and showed me his Bronze Effie. His very first! And he's only been working as a copywriter for about a year. It's a wonderful achievement. OMG, again, my heart almost burst with pride.

Sigh, I am so proud of them all, and I just can't stop smiling :) :) :)

Now for Junkie Jenn's good news next...

Ahaa...

2010-09-26T10:30:00.000+08:00

At last, now I understand...

In the past 10 years, whenever I wanted something, I would apply the skills and tools I learnt from various masters - focus my thoughts, visualise, draw it out, write it in red, think about it the first thing every morning and the last thing before I fall asleep, take action aligned to doing it and having it... and sometimes it works, but many, many times it doesn't. I've gone vegetarian, assigned karma, paid for pujas, done the Law of Attraction thingy... many, many different things.

And yet, the results seem to be random, unpredictable, uncontrollable. There have been many painful disappointments, many crushing failures.

I attended the Manifesting Money Metaphysically workshop by Sophia Catha yesterday, and I finally realised why I sometimes don't get what I want : my physical vibration and consciousness is not aligned to the vibration that is required to hold/maintain/support the things I want.

Another master, Isis, Dr. Carolyne Fuqua, taught me this, but I didn't get it until yesterday. I need to keep my vibration in the upper realm, and not allow myself to sucked into the lower vibrations.

The higher vibrations are created by thoughts and feelings of love, peace, joy, abundance and generosity. The lower vibrations are fear, desperation, disappointment, anger, frustration, all those too familiar grungies :(

How to shift to a higher vibration? Pray. Meditate. Control my thoughts because they dictate my emotions. Purify my present and past issues so that I clean out some space for new energies to come in. Practise, get feedback, and keep working.

Don't allow what I perceive through my 5 senses to dictate how I feel. The evidence I see in the physical world around me, will only get me down. Hold my vision. Hold the energy of higher vibration.

This reminds me of what Donald Trump said when he was asked how he felt when he made losses and debts that ran into billions. He said "I feel pretty much the same as how I feel when I make millions."

This is not about being in denial or living in a fake happy positivity; I interpret this as having unshakeable faith in himself and his power to manifest. With strong steady faith, there is no need to feel lousy just because the results are poor. Results are just feedback that something is not working - so just fix it, and keep going for the goal.

Wheras for me, I go down the tube of "what's wrong with me?" Hahaha!

So referring to my earlier post about me and money, I now realise that I repel money, money doesn't stick to me because my vibration is not aligned to having prosperity.

When I look at my behaviour with my 5 senses, I see that I am wasteful, not responsible, not aware of the value of money. All these are judgements that make me feel bad about myself.

When I shared this with Sophia, she said I waste my money, I spend it all or generously give it all away, because I AM NOT COMFORTABLE with having money. My vibration is not high enough to match the vibration of prosperity.

Why? I still have beliefs that money is bad. Being rich brings separation, alienation and loneliness. Aha! A deeper discovery about myself and money.

Last week, someone said to me "You come from a well-off family, you don't need money. So you don't chase it. That is selfish, because the rest of us need money."

Ouch.

This reinforced my belief that if I have money, I am not like 'the rest of us'. If I have money, I am an outcast. This was my experience in primary school. I was always lonely. I was laughed at for having a driver come pick me up. I missed out on the fun my friends had when they were waiting for the school bus. I didn't know how to take public transport, didn't know how to order food at coffee shops, didn't have the same pens, pencils, pencil boxes, hair clips, watch, purse, school bag, as the rest of my closest friends.

It's not that my parents bought me expensive stuff. They received gifts from their friends and passed them on to me. When I was 16, I received a Piaget diamond-encrusted watch. I hid it away in embarrasment. Mom would give me the expensive bags that her friends gave her - but I wanted the cheap plastic ones that my friends were using instead.

That's exactly the same pattern as my Dad wanting to buy me a BMW but I chose a Kelisa instead. Hahahah! Well, at least now I know. Duh!

Same thing with my spiritual development. When I regularly practise, I feel separated from the people closest to me. So I stop. I stop because I don't want to leave people behind. I don't want to be alone.

As I write this, I remember an exercise I went through during my One Vision training : I got it, my partner didn't, the only way I could move forward was to go back and bring her with me. The feeling of 'flying' together with her was just simply beautiful! No longer alone, I had someone to share my experience with!

THIS is the reality I want to create now.

So it is not being rich, or being spiritual that alienates me. It is going it alone, not bringing people with me. Not looking back. Just being self-centered and thinking only of myself. THIS causes separation and aloneness.

So I will share. I will continuously work on myself, and not stop. And I will share, and do all I can to guide others to learn and grow too. As I am guided, I too shall guide.

I thank the people who have pointed this out to me. Although it was painful at that time, I would not have learnt this if you had not been honest and open with me back then.

Now, it's time for my second cup of coffee :)

Have an awesomely abundant week. Thank you so much for reading my blog.

I am honoured that you are interested in what I have to share. Thank you.

Sometimes, fantasy stories are not that far-fetched at all

2010-09-10T12:03:00.002+08:00

I love the Tree of Souls in Pandora. I love how the Dals in the David Eddings' Mallorean series share a collective consciousness. Every thought, action, experience that is experienced by an individual is experienced by the entire species. Wow!

(gosh... i suddenly realised there's a cat curled up in our closet -_-)

I've always thought it would be such a wonderful thing if we could somehow record every lesson, every achievement, every insight and experience that the human race has ever encountered and have it stored somewhere for our easy access when needed.

Ok, I suppose the geeks would say - wikipedia! Hmm.

But what is also true is that the people who touch us, DO stay with us. The experiences they share ARE recorded within us, for easy access when we need it.

We are, each and every one of us, a branch of the Tree of Souls. Every encounter with the people in our lives are stored within us.

Whenever I'm cooking or doing anything around the home, I hear mom's voice guiding me. Everything she has learnt about cooking, and sewing, and family, and life, lives on through me. They make me who I am.

Whenever I'm at work, everything I've learnt from my previous bosses, mentors, colleagues, comes back to guide me. Things that worked as well as things that didn't work, they all form a kind of collective wisdom within me. There are many moments when I ask myself - what would Peter in all his benevolent wisdom do? How would Agnes move us out of a rut? What outrageous ideas would TL come up with? What would Neil French say? Rob Speechley? Steve Matthews? Kim Fernando? Ai Shih? They all come back to me, when I need them. Either showing me what to do, or what not to do, as I make my own decisions.

In crisis as well as in random quiet moments, the teachings of Master Choa Kok Sui, Bettie Sprueil, Isis, Shyalpa Rinpoche, Paolo Coelho, Neale Donald Walsch, all surface to guide me.

These are the individuals who have touched me directly. Now expand this a little farther... the lessons of Hitler, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Donald Trump, hahaha... even the Top Chef Masters and some of the Project Runway designers, are within me too.

So maybe this is the ultimate purpose of all our lives : to experience and learn as much as we possibly can, and add to the collective consciousness of humanity. Maybe that's why our lives take such different turns. People have such different paths to walk... because their mission is to contribute that particular experience to our pool.

So we must share. If not, our experiences are not added to the pool. We must share so that the collective consciousness grows.

(it's getting hard to type cos Wabi has crawled into my arms and is sucking on my t-shirt - he's a heavy cat!)

It's no point trying to live someone else's life - that would be duplicating the experience that someone else has already contributed to the collective pool. Nothing new is added, the collective pool doesn't grow.

We must direct the course of our own lives. Draw on the collective wisdom to make our own choices - this is how we create new experiences. And when we share, we enrich humanity.

Lately, i've thought it would be nice to have a daughter to pass mom's wisdom to. Mom's wisdom combined with mine. The way mom looked after grandma in her last days was a kinda subconscious guide to how I looked after mom when her own time came.

I was not even conscious of it at that time - it just seemed like the right thing to do. It is only now as I write that I am recalling Mom's long days and nights at the hospital and how she completed the mother-daughter journey with her mom. Mine was different yet has similarities.

How did I know I had to stop sleeping by her side, stop being the one to hold her hand, so that she can take her leave? Grandma's moment of passing came when mom stepped out of the hospital room and onto the balcony for a breath of air. Just as grandma couldn't leave while mom was in the room, I knew mom couldn't leave as long as I was sleeping by her side, holding her hand.

And yet, I created a completely new experience : I was out of her room for most of the last day. When I was in the room, we were all laughing and joking. There was distance. There was a 'letting go'. And yet, I was there when she stopped breathing. I was talking to her, monitoring her pulse and when I said the words 'Goodbye mom' her pulse suddenly stopped. It was perfect.

So I believe that sometimes we spontaneously know what to do because at some level we are tapping into the collective consciousness of all of humankind's experiences. It is all there within us, regardless of whether we are aware of it or not.

I don't have a daughter, but Maxine and Mellissa were there taking turns to hold mom's hand, so I know that one day, they will add their own experiences to this. I hope they will share it as I am sharing mine, so that someone somewhere can access it when it is needed.

Whoever you are, whatever you have experienced, please share.

Robin Sharma got me thinking..

2010-09-09T07:39:00.005+08:00

He tweeted this : @_robin_sharma I'm so much more interested in how many people you've developed vs how much money you've made.

It came at the right time. I'm going through one of those spells where I wonder why I am not chasing money as much as I think I should. Hah, that last sentence is a symptom of the great muddle in my mind.

I think I should be chasing money. But then I find that I'm not. I find I am putting more energy into long term branding activities and building my team. Then we fall short of target. Then I think there is something wrong with me. Then I get all grouchy and miserable. How can we sustain our business if I am not money-minded?

So when Robin Sharma's tweet came, it stopped me in my tracks. I read it again and again. At first I thought it meant that developing people is important than making money. Ya, that's so me -_- But as I sat with that thought, I realised that it made me uncomfortable.

You know how a truth will ring true? That light bulb moment? Well, I didn't experience that.

Instead a little nagging voice asked - what does this really mean ah? Do charity work ah? Train people at whatever fee they can afford? Is this what I really want? No, something doesn't feel right about this way of thinking. It's not what I want at all.

So I asked myself, is there another way to look at this? Maybe it goes back to WHY I want to make money. The immediate answer that came to me is 'so that I can re-invest and expand and be able to develop more people'. OK, sounds like a good answer. Is this true for me?

How do I really feel about money?

I think I have a pretty distant relationship with money and wealth. I went shopping last weekend, determined to buy a good designer bag. I found a DKNY that I liked. It cost RM590. That was within my budget. But I continued looking. I found the same bag in a different colour at Parkson and it was on sale - only RM241. And I had RM70 worth of discount vouchers. So it would only cost me RM171. I should have been happy - but no, I continued looking.

Hours later, I found a bag that I liked so much I immediately wanted it, even without asking the price. It was perfect for me - the right colour, design and size. How much was it? RM60. I am happy. Completely satisfied. I bought matching shoes (that were really comfy) and I happily went home.

Haha, I just remembered : apparently, some time ago, dad wanted to buy me a BMW and I said no, I want a Kelisa. Funny thing is, I don't even remember this conversation! It was Sonny who brought it up years later - he witnessed this exchange and was left dumbstruck. It didn't leave an impression on me but it obviously traumatised him!

Why don't I like expensive things? What's wrong with me? I know this mindset drives my two partners crazy. This is holding us back, keeping us small and struggling. Because I don't believe in paying an excessive amount of money for the things I buy - I feel dreadfully uncomfortable about charging our clients on a scale that is aligned to what Shahnaz and Peter want to charge. I just cannot see how to justify a high price. I can't appreciate the value. Or rather, I am unable to translate the value I see to $$$. It's a blind spot for me.

This is my inner conflict.

I know that what we do is important and valuable. I know I can do NGO work instead, no need to make lots of money, just live frugally and I will be happy. I experienced this when I set up Peace Please Sdn Bhd. I've also experienced the other extreme during my early advertising days - earning big bucks and spending like there' s no tomorrow.

What I am committed to create now is a combination of both. Earning big bucks while living moderately. Getting paid well for doing something that adds value to people's lives. I set up 95% to prove that this is possible. I refuse to believe that people have to choose between money and values. Some companies have already started operating this way - I want to do it too.

But if I get paid for doing something good, does that make it less good?

Maybe this is why Donald Trump and Bill Gates set up charitable foundations. So when they make money, they are completely clear that their intention is to maximise profit. Then they pour a percentage into pure charity. Nicely compartmentalised. No conflict.

But even this doesn't feel right for me.

I want both to happen simultaneously - I want it to be a complete, wholistic way of life. Giving and receiving in abundance as a natural cycle. THIS is what I want.

Yes, the work I do to develop people will always be more interesting than the money I make - but BOTH are important and I am committed to improve my competence in both areas simultaneously.

*... sigh ... *

Ok, I'm done for now. Conclusion : this is bugging me now. I will pay attention and keep exploring within myself. Conflict and discomfort means I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I am in the realm of 'I don't know' and that's a scary yet exciting place.

That's a sign of growth. I am committed to grow myself, my business. One belief that works for me is, the more I grow myself, the more I have to give. To stay in balance, I open myself to also increase my capacity to receive.

The Mind vs The Heart

2010-06-20T13:01:00.003+08:00

This morning at about 7-ish, Sonny was awakened by his cousin's phone call. Sonny's uncle was in critical condition, expected to pass on in a few hours.

We got dressed and went directly to the hospital. Being back in the ICU, after mom and Sonny's dad, I thought I would feel upset, but all I felt was a sense of familiarity and concern for the family.

Mom's very prolonged and peaceful death has done a lot to change my perception of this thing called death.

Have you ever noticed how people shy away from using that word? Yes, it's a sad event, no matter how we try to make it seem better. And we have come up with so many things to say, to make things seem better: They've gone to a better place. There's no pain, no suffering. They're in Heaven now.

And yet, the families will still miss them dreadfully. No matter how the logical mind insists that this is the way it's meant to be, the emotional heart will still grieve.

The Mind says "Death is inevitable".

The Heart says "Yes, I know, but it hurts!"

The Mind says "You must let go and move on."

The Heart says "But I don't want to lose this loved one. I don't want to lose this love."

The Mind says "You cannot hold on."

The Heart says "I know, I know. And I will let go. Feeling the sadness, expressing the pain does not mean I won't let go. I will. Just don't ask me to not feel. Console me by crying with me. Not by telling me I musn't cry."

Why are we so afraid of losing our composure?

Because we get judged. When I cry about mom, my family looks at me as if I am handicapped. No, No, cannot cry anymore. We wouldn't want her to have continued being alive to suffer. So must not cry, must not be sad. La-la-la-la-la... let's put on a happy face for each other and help each other deny the sadness, deny the grief.

I can understand why it's so easy for families to drift apart. Every one grieves in their own way. Every one has their own way of coping. It is difficult. And by expecting everyone to be the same as me, I only make things worse.

Last Monday was June 14th - the anniversary of mom's death. I learnt to respect my family and give them the space to cope in whatever way they are comfortable with. And respect myself to do it in my way.

Now, it is Uncle Lui's family that has to learn to cope. May God be with them all. May God's Blessings guide Uncle Lui peacefully home.

My Awesome Saturday

2010-03-21T21:25:00.010+08:00

On Friday evening, Felicia sent me an sms asking if I wanted to join them at the Hot Air Balloon Fair in Putrajaya on Saturday. Although I had errands lined up, I couldn't help but say YES!!!!

I was so excited the whole night. I told Dad and Sonny, and all Dad said was

"Don't fall out." -_-

Haha, I was so looking forward to the experience of going up in a balloon, even if it is tethered.

So bright and early, we met up at 95%, packed ourselves into Sue's car and happily took off. There were six of us : Sue, Felicia, Grace, Chee Chiaw, his friend Stephen and me. All quite high even though it was only 9am.

As we got to Putrajaya, we were thrilled to see 3 or 4 balloons soaring above some buildings. Even more thrilling was the sight of a flock of paramotors - like para-gliders but with a motor. We ALL wanted to get on one of those. Wheeee..!!

We quickly parked and tumbled out.

Then as we walked towards the balloons, disappointment set in. Tickets were sold out. Apparently ticket sales started at 7.30am. We didn't know :(

Anyway, we went closer and realised that the balloons actually don't go very high up. And there were so few :( After taking the customary photos, we went to explore the rest of the fair. Within half an hour, we were done -_-

The paramotors were there as demo only. They were promoting lessons and certification. No rides available.

There so so many people there but there nothing much happening. Why???

I saw two interesting things though...

1. A stall selling clothes had tudungs (headscarfs) of all colours right next to skimpy tank tops. Huh??? Same person buys both?

2. A very creative soap. Positioned as 'fights sleepiness'!! Hahaha, it stopped us in our tracks and we bought two, just to test it out.

Talk about a compelling USP! I don't know if it really works, but the write up even provided the 'Reason To Believe'. I can just see the whole Strategy written out!

Then we got bored and decided to visit Paya Indah Wetlands in Dengkil. I had conducted the YAC completion and graduation there and I had some beautiful memories of the place.

This time, we were not disappointed. The air was still and peaceful. Life slowed down, I felt connected and grounded. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful experience.

One lake was filled with lotus in full bloom. Another had ducks, geese and swans sailing elegantly around. Well, they were elegant until we came running up.

Although it was just a brief visit, it did something to me. I am still smiling as I write this. Once in a while, it would be good to just get away and spend a day or two in another world. A still, peaceful world where I can hear the voice of my soul speak to me.

To view all photos, click on the title of this post. They're quite cheesy tho ...

The World Around Me Is A Reflection Of The World Within Me

2010-03-21T14:02:00.005+08:00

Now that I've been detoxing for two weeks, I am energised and positive. Calm and aware. I don't feel stuffed and stuck and old and decaying anymore. The difference is surprisingly significant! I know this sounds like a hardsell ad, but it is true! hahaha :) I am feeling so much better, physically as well as emotionally.

And this has caused a chain reaction : First, I detoxed my stomach and intestines. Next, I started qi gong and reiki again. Then I changed my skincare and got a hair cut.

Now, I am working on my home. Bought ironing board. Started shopping for new curtains, cushions and cushion covers. Finally treated the cats with Mike's miracle Clorox Cure for fleas and ringworm. I've been dreading this! 8 cats is no joke! Anyway, we only managed to do 7, one got away :(

Next, buy exhaust fan. Then give the house a much-needed new coat of paint. And figure out how to prune the trees in the garden. This will let in some sun and dry up the soggy garden.

I know that all these things need to be done, but I've been procrastinating. Work has provided me with a convenient excuse, but I know it is just an excuse. I think part of me was just grungy about having to 'grow up' and take care of the house. Hahaha! I'm 45 years old and still trying to avoid grown up duties!!

Now that I am willing to handle these things, I feel at peace, and closer to both mom and dad. Maybe this is what 'Home is where the heart is' really means. When I put my heart into my home, I am energising it with love.

Maybe this is what's been causing the huge 'hole' we feel : Mom used to be the one energising the home with her love. Now that she is gone, the home has been feeling so very empty.

OK, I'll take it up. I've been giving Dad ginger enzyme every morning and he's obediently taking it. He even says it's refreshing! Good la. Although he insists on being independent, this is a sign that he enjoys being taken care of.

There is much to be done, but now that I am willing, it doesn't seem like such an impossible burden anymore. The funny thing is, it started with me taking care of myself internally. That was the key that unlocked this flow.

It's like magic. And guess what? This morning, for the first time, our bougainvillea plants are flowering! We've been trying for so long to get them to flower but every fertiliser and soil trick we've tried has not worked. And now, there are radiant pink flowers! I'll take this as feedback that love is coming alive again in this home :)

Do less, BE more.

2010-03-15T08:36:00.002+08:00

It is a nice cool morning for a change. It rained all night and the air today is fresh and cool. The birds are singing away as usual, but this morning, I hear them. I am just sitting here, listening to them. My fat little black cat, Sky is curled around the laptop's battery pack, fast asleep, radiating contented vibes. It's a good morning.

There is a stillness within me that hasn't been there for a long while. I've been busily rushing and rushing around. I've been feeling anxious, impatient, and urgent, as though I don't have much time left in this lifetime. I've been feeling 'my days are numbered.' So strange.

But now, all that has subsided. I think I first realised it on Thursday - I was updating my Facebook status and I asked myself "how am I feeling?" I just felt happy. Not a wild exuberant happiness, just a state of quite contentment. Nice. Hopeful. Everything's going to be alright.

This state is still within me now. I slept really well last night and am now just happy.

So what happened to cause this change? Maybe it's my enzyme detox and vegetarian diet. I stopped eating meat again - my spiritual teacher used to say that eating meat may cause a sense of hopelessness as the animals somehow know they are going to be slaughtered.

Maybe it's because I've been having mostly soup and soup and soup, so my body has had a chance to clear out the ton of food that's been accumulating in my tummy and intestines since Christmas!!

Maybe I'm just coming out of a grief-cycle.

Maybe it's because I've started my morning prayers again.

Maybe the slightly reduced workload is allowing me a little breathing space.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. A lot of maybes. Does it matter? Yes and No.

Yes, because when I know what lifted me, I can do it again next time.

And No, because I have trust in myself, in the people around me, and in God. I trust because my intention is clear. I am here to serve, to love, and to awaken. Someone, somewhere, somehow will trigger the awareness in my consciousness when it is needed. And I know I will be open to see it and receive the guidance. So for now, it doesn't matter.

I am happy, I am at peace, and I am starting the week by sharing. May you have Peace and Happiness within you this whole week too :)

Ok, Sky is sending you a contented purrrrrrrrr...

Is Twitter killing blogs? ... or is it just me?

2010-03-09T09:09:00.002+08:00

I've been trying to blog, but as you can see from my last few posts, I don't have much to say. I'm so used to keeping it to 140 characters.

So do I blame Twitter? Or am I just avoiding getting in touch with what I think and how I feel?

Quite often, I simply do not have anything to express. Not even on Twitter. And in the rare moments when I do, I start writing a new blog post and then give up halfway.

I have no patience. My mind is jumping all over. I am edgy (not in a good way) and pre-occupied. In other words, I am not aware and present. There is no stillness, no peace.

If the world around me is a reflection of the world within me, then I see neglect and decay. Everything at home is old and worn out. Everything at 95% is also old and worn out. Carpets, curtains, taps, electricals - all need major repair and spring cleaning. There are no accidents, so what is this telling me? Within me, I feel like my body is an old neglected pond - stagnant and filled with algae. sigh...

In the last week, I've made a huge effort to spring clean my insides. I've gone on a minimalistic vegetable and soup diet. I've started taking fruit enzyme to kick start my digestion. The Personal Growth training on Saturday gave me a good workout. Things are moving within me.

I'm starting to feel better - lighter, clearer and more hopeful.

Ok, I'll give it 3 more days of my detox diet. Then I will somehow find time to do spring cleaning and home repairs.

And to keep my spirits up, I'll be listening to Defying Gravity :)

Here's to the Innovators & Early Adopters!

2010-02-19T08:50:00.002+08:00

I randomly flipped open Seth Godin's Purple Cow and found Moore's Idea Diffusion Curve. Click on the title to read it on Seth's blog.

Yup, the people who sign up at 95% are definitely not the masses. They are the Innovators and Early Adopters.

Reminds me of that brilliant Apple TVC that always makes me teary eyed. I'm a crazy one too, a misfit.

Chinese New Year

2010-02-17T21:47:00.001+08:00

OK, so we move on.

Last year, my compassionate mother-in-law encouraged me to stay in KL with mom while my husband went back to Melaka to be with his family. Til this day, I am so very grateful that I had the chance to spend mom's last CNY with her. I still miss her terribly.

The Spirit of Christmas

2010-01-02T08:25:00.002+08:00

Christmas has been a time of healing for me, and I think for the rest of the family too.

We decided to celebrate for two reasons : Mom would have wanted it, and I felt Dad needed to have lots of activities to perk him up.

Dad has been falling ill a lot. Nothing serious, just persistent flu and cough that lingers and keeps recurring. He goes to bed very early and doesn't go out as often. He gets tired easily.

But over the last two weekends, I'm so happy that Dad has responded well. With each meal, he seems more and more relaxed. Last night, we were all laughing at a ridiculous TV3 drama while we were waiting for dinner to be served at Unique Seafood restaurant. On New Year's Eve, he spoke passionately about the pyramids in Egypt and how he wants to go there in 2010. He was alive and radiant! He also wants to visit Angkor Wat. Yay! Is this his spiritual journey? Hmmm...

The power of family closeness is so healing. It's amazing! Mom always knew this. That's why she would always unite us and comfort us through organising endless meals together. We don't really do anything special : just meet again, eat again, plan for the next meal, and go home feeling a little warmer, a little closer. So simple and yet so healing.

One night after a dinner at home with Uncle Tommy, Aunty Sweet, and my cousins, a white butterfly came in to the house. It flitted and hovered over everything, from the kitchen to mom's altar to dad. It was just flying around, as if checking on everything. Sonny smiled and said "Guess who?" and immediately Dad replied "Mummy".

Two more nights since then, the white butterfly has come in and checked on things. Is it Mom spending Christmas and New Year with us? Os is there a sudden boom in white butterfly population in my neighbourhood?

Last night, Sky pounced on the butterfly but we managed to save it. It rested outside the window for a while, then flew in again. I gently caught it in my hands and went to release it from the balcony. Guess what??? It wouldn't leave my palm! It just clung on with a persistence that reminded me of how mom used to hold my hand so tightly and wouldn't let go.

I usually dream of Mom about once a month, or once in 6 weeks. Between Christmas and New Year, I dreamt of her twice :) I can't remember what happened in the dreams, but I have clear vivid images of mom looking young and happy. And I woke up with the happiest, warmest feeling of love filling my heart. Haven't felt that in a while.

This season has been such an emotional roller-coaster. One moment, I'm happy and the next, I'm grieving. I'm still sad that mom isn't here physically, I really miss her physical presence, but I'm so happy that we're doing ok. I'm so thankful that the family is staying close and warm.

For a while that seemed like such a difficult thing to do. We were all so busy with our separate lives and activities. But we all pulled together and made it work. I'm so thankful that we are all aligned in this. It's Mom's legacy.

My year according to Facebook status updates

2009-12-21T21:53:00.001+08:00

Hahaha, this application is so cool! Click on title to view my 2009. It pretty much captures the essence all right.

Faith

2009-12-17T15:17:00.011+08:00

I received this beautiful, beautiful story via email. It's a lovely heartwarming tale, especially at Christmas time.

This dog was born on Christmas Eve in 2002. He was born with only 2 legs. He of course could not walk and even his mother did not want him. His first owner also did not think that he could survive and he was thinking of 'putting him to sleep'. But then, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met him and wanted to take care of him. She became determined to teach and train this little dog to walk by himself. She named him 'Faith'.

In the beginning, she put Faith on a surfboard to let him feel the movement. Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and reward for him for standing up and jumping around. Even the other dog at home encouraged him to walk. Amazingly, after only 6 months, like a miracle, Faith learned to balance on his hind legs and to jump to move forward. After further training in the snow, he could now walk like a human being.

Faith loves to walk around now. No matter where he goes, he attracts people to him. He is fast becoming famous on the international scene and has appeared on various newspapers and TV shows. There is now a book entitled 'With a Little Faith' being published about him. He was even considered to appear in one of Harry Potter movies.

His present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching post and plans to take him around the world to preach that even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul'.

In life there are always undesirable things, so in order to feel better you just need to look at life from another direction.

I hope this message will bring fresh new ways of thinking to everyone and that everyone will appreciate and be thankful for each beautiful day...

Faith is the continual demonstration of the strength and wonder of life.

A small request: All you are asked to do is keep this story circulating.

Mom's advice for sore throat

2009-12-14T07:41:00.002+08:00

Gargle with salt water.

That thought came to me loud and clear on Saturday night as I was suffering from a really painful sore throat. No matter how much honey, lozenges, cough syrup I took, it still hurt like crazy. Even reiki didn't help much. I was wandering restlessly around the house when that memory came to me. Mom always used to say that whenever I had a sore throat as a child. So I obeyed. And it worked. My throat was much, much better yesterday. Thanks mom :)

Dad and I have decided to honour her by organising a memorial on her birthday, 21st January. Yay-Yay!

Message from Mom

2009-12-05T08:32:00.002+08:00

I dreamt of mom again last night. This time, she was teaching how to look after a baby. Mom was young and vibrant, and when I woke up (at about 4am), I couldn't go back to sleep. It felt very peaceful just lying there in bed.

Two realisations dawned on me : I am to go for the Living Fully and Joyfully talk this weekend, and I know mom will be with me when I have a baby. Not so scary now.

Cooking brings me back to mom

2009-11-30T08:19:00.002+08:00

I'm so glad I decided to cook dinner for the family last night. It kinda made it feel like a special ocassion, especially when sis-in-law Phyllis got us to finish off the bottle of white wine that she opened just to marinate the fish that Mike caught.

I decided to make spaghetti bolognaise, mom's specialty. And throughout the whole process, I felt mom very close to me. Her voice accompanied me as I peeled, chopped, sauted, stirred and seasoned. I kept hearing all the things she used to say to me as she was teaching me to cook. She taught me all her tricks, and then she'd shake her head as I added my own twists to it.

I've been wondering, how come I don't feel mom around me? I thought it was because my heart was closed off. Or that I just wasn't ready to allow her in. But last night was different. It was natural, and so very beautiful. I guess she's in the things we used to share. Things for the family, things for the community. Not in my work. At home. That's where she is. That's where she wants me to be. Maybe that the blueprint that a mom leaves behind for her daughter.

Well, family dinner was a lot warmer than usual. We planned Dad's birthday dinner and even spoke briefly about Christmas. Mom would want us to celebrate. She'd want us to be happy.

I remember last year - I knew it would probably be her last one with us. So I decided to not get caught up in doing so much cooking and baking and running around. I didn't want to tire myself out. I wanted to be able to be with her. So I let my two sis-in-laws cook and got the maids to do most of the work. I remember wheeling mom into the kitchen and letting her taste everything. It was a nice last Christmas.

Mom's birthday is on January 21st. Hmmm, maybe we should remember her on that day and have some kind of memorial. Better to remember her on the day she was born instead of the day she left us. Ok, my next mission will be to speak to dad about this.

It takes courage to start again

2009-11-29T11:13:00.002+08:00

Start what?
Start exercising.
Start tidying up.
Start praying.
Start meditating.
Start healing.
Start blogging.
Start living.

Sonny says I should start blogging again. Actually, this was his second gentle hint. This time, it sank in. Thanks dear :)

And I think all of the above is linked. When my body is sore and aching, I can't really do anything. So this morning, after two days of lazing around, I finally felt strong enough to start Qi Gong and Pranic Healing. And it was good. Very good. I started sweating immediately. My mind cleared.

I decided to cook dinner for the family tonight. I haven't done this since I cooked for mom.

Haha, I remember the crazy baking spree at the beginning of this year. She enjoyed my butter cake with melted chocolate, and she ate everything up at an amazing speed! I was baking almost every other day! And she kept saying there was not enough chocolate in the cake - even though there was more chocolate than batter! Haha, that's mom- she loves to indulge.

The other thing that became clear for me was about 95%. December looks like it'll be a quiet month. I thought of filling up the weekends with Training Overviews and Me? A Copywriter? workshops, but haven't done it yet. I've been worried about our slow down and we haven't made any firm plans about December and 2010. Worry. Stress...

What became clear is this : take the time out to rest, heal and create. Stop the frantic running and chasing. Enough of being the hamster in the wheel. Stop. Breathe. Listen. And create.

Then an idea came. I suddenly saw a solution to a problem I have been struggling with.

So I think this is how I'm going to spend December. Stay away from frantic busy-ness. Allow myself space to heal. Allow inspiration to come. Get enough rest so that I have energy to create a home. This house hasn't felt like a home since mom died. It's time to change that and re-create a home here. In order to do that, I need to be rested.

Ok, I feel energised enough to start attacking my finances and filing now! Whooohooo!!!

No heart to write

2009-11-18T07:42:00.002+08:00

I haven't blogged cos I just don't have anything to share. I don't want to open my heart and feel cos then I'll miss mom so much. I've been keeping myself busy and tiring myself out. It is my survival tip. Allow the grief to well up in small doses that I can handle without being overwhelmed. It's so very easy to give in to depression and give up everything. I fight it. I fight it with every ounce of will power I have only because I know mom would want me to be ok. And I do it for dad. He needs looking after.

Ruby Lee remembered

2009-07-01T08:01:00.003+08:00

Click on the title to read a lovely letter by former MRCS volunteer ST Rajagopal.

This letter sent me back in time to my early childhood days at the MRCS office. She would bring me with her during weekends and school holidays and functions. There was always food. Always!

One line in that letter really hit me : "She is an extraordinary leader who felt proud to give credit where credit is due whether it’s a big or small achievement."

That's mom. She saw only the good in people, and would always point it out to others so that everyone sees it too. Imagine seeing the world through her eyes - full of goodness and humanity.

Nice Dream

2009-06-24T08:06:00.002+08:00

Last night, I had a nice dream of mom (unlike my previous ones).

I dreamt that I went to visit her in hospital and the nurse came out of her room smiling. She said "She's awake."
When I went in, mom was facing the window, with her back to the door. I walked around the bed, placed my hand on her arm and softly called her. She opened her eyes and saw me! I felt her love washing over me. I was so happy to relive this moment.

Then she said "So much pain" and I quickly called the nurse to come. While there was frantic activity around her, I told her "It's ok mom, you can go. I don't want to keep you here if it means you'll be in pain."

Then I woke up.

Nothing feels right

2009-06-22T08:50:00.004+08:00

What do I want?

To be alone?
No, I just blankly stare into space.

To be with people?
No, too tiring and I've had enough of being a public figure. I'm not as patient with people as mom used to be.

To go out?
No, don't feel like getting dressed.

To stay home?
No, don't know what to do at home.

To sleep?
No, don't want to have any more dreams.

To stay awake?
No, being conscious is too hard to bear.

To read?
No, hard to stay focussed on the story.

To tidy up?
No, no energy for that.

To not tidy up?
No, seeing the mess at home makes things worse.

Now that I'm rested from the funeral, I have been moping around, drifting aimlessly, restless and don't know what to do with myself. So I bug my cats. I rub and stroke and cuddle them. And they've been most obliging.

Sonny says I must go back to work. That feels like a distant world. I've been completely out of it and I know there's so much to catch up on. I don't want to.

I have a long list of all the things I don't want to do. But what do I want to do? I don't know.

So shut up and just do it.

Don't think. Don't ask myself whether this feels right or not. Nothing will feel right for a while. So don't ask. Just do. That's what mom would do.

Why am I so restless? Because the only thing I want is the one thing I can't have.
So this is what is meant by accepting and making peace. No wonder everyone says 'be strong'.
Yes, it takes tremendous will power to pick myself up and out of the quicksand of depression.

Quick ref

2009-06-19T10:21:00.004+08:00

To help you locate all the mommy related posts on this blog, here are the dates of the most meaningful events.
I don't know how to put links to all these posts so pls search using the date panel k.

2009 March : Henry Dunant Medal
2008 Sept : Mom's funny episode at the dentist
2008 January : Mom's 81st Birthday
2007 July : Mom's Mastectomy
2007 May & April : Avon's Tribute to Mothers
2007 January :Mom's 80th Birthday
2006 October & September : Mom at Terry Fox Run

Of course you are most welcome to read the whole blog if you wish. But you know how long winded I can be :) heeheehee...

Thank you, Yenny dearest.

2009-06-19T09:01:00.006+08:00

Yenny Heriana from Medan, one of our graduates, posted this lovely note in Facebook. I'm very touched that she was touched. And Jeanette Hadi too.

"Funny how a passing of someone I don’t really know in person at all, could leave me such a heartache and a chemistry at the same time. Love spreads like virus.

It must be the same love she reached out to so many people that reach into me as well, translated and transferred through words alone, written passionately by her daughter in a blog. A simple but meaningful gesture to let a demising mother be acknowledged how much she’s loved and how many good things she has done.

And when it’s about time, so I read, everyone was there in the same room. Holding her hands, showering her with gentle kisses and lovely touches, playing music and telling jokes, forgiving and saying goodbye.

Then she knew it’s OK to leave.

Then she left.

Gracefully. Peacefully. Fulfilled.

. . .

“Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” (Author Unknown)

. . .

I wish I could put it in more convincing words how specifically I felt about this (or how I wish I could write how much I love my mom and made you adore the figure of my mom too, somehow like what Janet Lee makes me feel). There are feelings in me I’m not sure what they are, but are fighting to burst out of me. This is not one of those stories you read in the Chicken Soups for the Soul, darling. It is the magic of love, touching me with its-not-the-most-frontal-and-logical-way, but delivered."

. . .

Jeanette Hadi, also from Medan but working in Singapore commented "very beautiful yen :) i did feel the same way too but i don't know how to put them into words..."
Thank you Jeanette. Miss you and love you.

Heaven is when she's holding my hand

2009-06-19T09:00:00.002+08:00

This was originally posted in March. I can hardly believe it was so long ago. So much has happened since. And we've been blessed to have so much bonus time with her.

Having the privilege to hold mom's hand is still the sweetest gift I have ever received. I somehow had the intuition that she wanted me to hold her hand while she took her leave so I made sure to sleep next to her, with her hand in mine for two nights. She could still grip, although weakly. And when I woke, her pulse would be stronger.

Finally when she took her leave, it was Dad and Mike who were holding her hands. I was whispering to her, so one hand was on her pulse at the neck and the other was stroking her head and crown chakra. I was able to be with her, as she had wanted. And as I needed to be.

This is what I miss most, I think : holding the hand of someone who is almost as divine as God. Jenn sent me this quote by an unknown author "Mother is God in the eyes of a child." Yes, she truly is.

Here's the original post :
I've been spending time with mom in hospital. She's been in two weeks today. It's been a real challenge juggling work and being with her but somehow I seem to be keeping afloat. Largely thanks to the excellent suppport systems in both places.

This time, mom has been more manja. Maybe cos she can't talk much. Or maybe she's just not as strong as before. Whatever the reason, I am happy to be able to be there with her.

I get to hold her hand. Sometimes, she's so sleepy but won't close her eyes until I hold her hand. Then she will grip my fingers and slowly close her eyes. Then peace... sweet peace.

No matter how cramped my arm, neck and back are, I am in Heaven. I am so grateful to have this time with her. At these times, I don't care about anything else in the world. My whole world is her. I feel I am in this bubble of peace and love and comfort. There's nowhere else I would rather be.

She's usually so independent and always telling me not to spend too much time with her : who's looking after 95%, who's looking after daddy or Sonny. This time, she is different. One night, I told her that I'm leaving to have dinner with dad and Sonny. She didn't nod so I asked again. Still no nod. Then I asked if she wanted me to stay. Oh she gave a big nod! I was so happy to stay. Not hungry anymore.

Then yesterday, I wanted to go down to Starbucks and download my emails. I asked "can I go down for 10 minutes?" Loud and clear, she answered "Cannot".

I am so thrilled. She's never been like this. Maybe she knows I need this time with her before she goes. I really treasure this.

She's been such an amazing patient. She really demonstrates patience! And grace. No complaints, she obediently puts up with everything the doctors prescribe. Still remains positive and cooperative.

But tonight after getting the PEG feeding tube inserted into her stomach, I saw her frustration and her pain. I saw how unpleasant it was for her to remain conscious. In sleep, she's at peace. Awake, she's in pain. I hope this will ease once the stomach tube heals, and I pray she will be comfortable and happy for as long as she is here.

One final gift from Mom

2009-06-14T22:22:00.005+08:00

Mom left us and took the hand of God at 4.58pm today. It was more peaceful and graceful than I could ever have imagined.

For details, click on the title of this post.

A Life of Miracles

2009-05-01T11:05:00.005+08:00

If you are not manifesting miracles in your life, you are not living up to your full potential.

Miracles are the events or gifts that unexpectedly, easily drop into your lap. Sometimes, it happens against all odds. Sometimes, it comes at the absolute perfect moment. Sometimes, you just don't see it even though it is happening all around you.

I have gone through a really tough time these past few months. I have had reason to wholeheartedly manifest miracles. And I did. That's why I think everyone can.

The key is to wholeheartedly declare what is your specific wish. Be pure in your intention - meaning, clear out all limiting beliefs about whether you deserve it or not, or whether it makes sense or not. If it doesn't materialise immediately, look deeper within yourself to identify and let go of your limiting beliefs. Yank them out by the roots and release them into God's light.

Then when your miracle arrives, receive it with wholehearted gratitude. And share it generously.

Henry Dunant Medal for my super-wonderful Mom

2009-03-04T12:56:00.007+08:00

This morning, the Malaysian Red Crescent Society put on amost touching award presentation ceremony for mom. The presiding VIP was YABhg Datin Paduka Rosmah Mansor, who not only graced the event, but showed kindness, care and concern towards mom.

The MCRS officials and staff paid a moving tribute to mom. Click on the title of this post to see their site. When their ppt presentation came on, with You Raise Me Up as the soundtrack, I was fighting to hold back my tears. Shahnaz was sternly signaling to me from across the crowd ' you no cry'. And I didn't!

Mom has been part of a dynamic team that brought much relief to people in need. To see all this again, and to hear her former colleagues and staff's warm words was overwhelming.

Some background about the award : Henry Dunant is the founder of the international Red Cross movement, and every year, the International Red Cross will recognise a few members from around the world who have given extraordinary service. Mom was nominated for 2008 and she got it!

She will also enter the Malaysian Book of Records for being The Longest Serving Secretary General of Humanitarian Services'. She served with the Malaysian Red Crescent Society for 33 years. During this time, she helped to provide shelter and repatriation for over 200,000 Vietnamese Boat People who landed in Malaysia, for a period of 20 years. Eventually, most of them found new homes and new lives in other countries.

I am so happy that her lung infection (pneumonia) has healed in time for this ceremony. Yay-yay!

More photos taken by Sonny are on my Facebook page.

A Little Can Mean So Much

2009-02-08T10:05:00.003+08:00

I've been accompanying mom for her doctors' visits, and as she is now bedridden, we travel by ambulance.
It's quite an experience sitting in the front passenger seat, watching the driver weave in and out of traffic blaring the siren.

Even more interesting is watching how drivers on the road respond to the ambulance's siren.

Before this, I would always panic whenever I heard the siren come up behind me. I wouldn't know what to do. I remembered being told in school to pull over. But when there's a kerb or barrier... how?! And do I stop or not? If I stop, the car behind may hit me. So how?

Now, from my privileged view in the front of the ambulance, I can see how easy it is to make way.

If every car were to move just a tiny bit to the left or right, there will be enough room for the ambulance to pass through. It is really that easy. Our Malaysian roads are wide enough. The ambulance will usually try to go in between lanes, rather than on extreme left or right.

Even in the worst of jams, I have seen the two lanes in front of us part like the Red Sea. It's amazing how even a little movement can make a big enough difference. And my experience is always one of overwhelming gratitude.

Last week, the traffic was bad and mom wasn't comfortable in the ambulance so the driver tried to make her journey home as short as possible.

There was this one car that seemed completely oblivious to our blaring siren. Even when they switched from the wailing to the more frantic 'yelp', the car just buat tak tau je.

Then, guess what happened. An Indian guy on a motorbike sped past us, cut into our lane, and then cut in front of that car and started frantically signalling to him. Finally, that car noticed us and pulled aside to let us pass.

As we passed the biker, I waved my thanks to him and I was struck by the look of concern on his face. He must have had his own experience of being in an emergency. My gratitude to him was just overwhelming. In that moment, we connected and I felt he and I were brother and sister united in humanity.

What you resist persists

2008-09-02T20:41:00.003+08:00

Haha, the saying is so true. The things that I hate, hate, hate will come and really hit me in the face.
I hate people who drive recklessly fast, blaring their horns to make people give way. And I hate going to the dentist. I hate the dentist's drill and the injection. Hate, hate, hate!

Today, mom had to go to the dentist. As she is now unable to move around due to a fracture in her spine, we called the Red Crescent ambulance to take us to Ampang Hospital's oral surgery.

I sat in the front seat, next to the driver. As we were late, the driver blasted the sirens and I had full view of rush hour traffic doing the Red Sea thing right in front of my eyes. Adrenalin rush! As he wound his way in and out of traffic, my fists were clenched, my stomach was somersaulting, my mind was screaming!

Then at the dental surgery, I held mom's hand and had full view of the injection, the drilling, the filling and the scaling. Blood and all. Yeearrrghhh...

Well, I think I've overcome my fear of dentists now. I've seen the worst and survived without too much trauma :)

Just now, I asked mom if it was a very bad experience. She said, "No, it was funny."

Huh??!!! Haiyo, mom is such a treasure.

Why do birds sing at night?

2008-06-15T21:32:00.002+08:00

When I was a child, my maid (or mom if she came home early enough) would bring me to Taman Jaya to play in the evenings. I remember identifying the birds' twilight song as the alarm bell that signaled closing time. People would drift away and there would be only me left, still begging for five minutes more on the swing.

When I asked my maid what the birds were saying, she said that they were scolding me for not going home yet. The park belongs to them and their little birdies at night so I must hurry up and go home for my dinner!

I had this flashback yesterday. I was leaving Amcorp Mall at dusk when I heard the birds noisily singing in their trees. So nice that some things don't change. Thank God that the park still has birds!

And I still wonder why they sing at twilight...

Tulibu dibu douchoo

2008-03-31T17:34:00.004+08:00

Valentina Hasan has attained worldwide fame. Click on the title to view how she did it.

This is a brilliant example of viral advertising: something that is so amusing, it infects the viewer who will then spread and spread this video to all their friends. I challenge you : watch it and don't tell anyone about it. I bet you can't do that!

The guy who made this video and posted it on YouTube is pure genius. He spotted it, he inserted the Mariah Carey clip, and he put in the amazing subtitles! Brilliant!

The world is now divided into two groups of people : those who know Ken Lee and those who don't. Hahahahahaha!!!

Notes from windswept Redang

2008-03-25T11:36:00.006+08:00

My husband has gone back to the hotel industry after a 4-year break.

This time, his new challenge is to manage an island resort : He is the new Asst GM of Berjaya Redang, a cosy little resort snugly nestled in the cleavage of a wild tropical jungle. It's on a small bay bravely facing the South China Sea. The winds are wild and restless, journeying from afar, sweeping in to blow away all rational thought from my mind.

The winds are so strong, they tire me. Funny, I was expecting time to slow down into an idyllic langour. Instead, everything seems to be rushing along. Clouds fly in and out, exposing and hiding the sun. A little drizzle turns into rain, which turns into a downpour, and then turns into clear sky all in a heartbeat. So fast!

That's why I've been hiding out in the room whole morning.
Look at this view!

I've been having coffee after coffee on the balcony, just soaking up this glorious panorama (and practising my vocabulary hehehe). Thanks to wifi, blogging and checking in with the office is no problem. My husband, being the committed workaholic that he is has gone away to Kuala Terengganu for the day, meeting with the Jetty Master. Yesterday, he was trekking through the jungle to check on the water catchment area - so exotic!

It's a completely different lifestyle over here.

The islanders are very friendly, very conservative. So strange to see the waitresses with headscarves serving tourists in bikinis.
They are all trained to greet guests in English. Not very fluent but very gungho and disarmingly friendly. There's a joviality that I haven't seen in Langkawi.

My Cat-alogue

2008-02-08T23:08:00.003+08:00

I've been spending my Chinese New Year blissfully surrounded by animals, mostly cats of course, except for my three psychotic pups.

About a week ago, I brought home a lovely silvery kitten from the restaurant below 95%.

He's not allowed to eat too much for now cos he has some problem with his digestive tract (this is the censored description of his condition!). So he's always hungry, but so very, very delightfully manja. He's a real sweet purry furball. Look at his tail - we think he's part squirrel.

I now divide my time carefully : cuddle Wabi Sabi in the morning before he gets grouchy, cuddle Silver during the day, sleep with Sky. What bliss! As I write this now, Sunshine is snoozing beside me on the bed.

Here's an old photo of Sky sleeping on the arm of mom's chair. She looks scrawny here (except for the belly) but she's grown way too fat to fit there now. She's a real fat cat, with fat little paws. Even her tail seems fat! She's got very smooth silky fur though.

This is a typical Wabi Sabi pose : belly up!

And here he's looking like a decent cat.

Not shown here (according to seniority) : Milk, Sunshine, Cloud, Storm and Mist.

I've also been cat-sitting Shahnaz's Salem and Gebu, my 'god-cats' who are actually more keen to see their dinner than me. Tomorrow, I will be dog-sitting Peter's beautiful Eleanor, the sweetest, most well mannered Golden Retriever.

I'm so happy to be with so many animals. It was my childhood dream to one day live in a kinda zoo. Guess that dream has kinda come true. Just need a few lions and tigers, that's all...

Mom celebrates her 81st birthday!

2008-01-29T08:18:00.000+08:00

Mom with our immediate family : all the young (and tall) ones are Mike's children, my nephews Mark and Martin, and nieces Mellissa and Maxine.

After all that she has been through last year, Mom's birthday last week (21st January) was especially sweet. She has just about recovered from Radiotherapy, just a bit of shortness of breath and some weight loss. Her Multiple Myeloma is well under control. She has also started physiotherapy again, after a break of almost six months.

She is in good spirits and livelier than she has been in a while. She's also laughing more, and eating more, these days. What a great, great blessing!

To all our friends and loved ones who have sent love and kind thoughts, deep-deep thanks to you.

What is win-win?

2008-01-27T10:36:00.000+08:00

Such a common phrase and such a wonderful idealistic concept - but can it really happen?

I think it's a case of easier said than done. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it automatically.

So what does it mean? Or rather, what does it take to play win-win when it appears that everyone around you is playing win-lose?

In ancient China, there was much honour in revenge. Someone gets killed or assasinated and the descendants swear to avenge his death by killing the enemy. And then the enemy's descendants will have to avenge that death in return, and so it goes on, until both families are wiped out. Because of this, when the Emperor sentences a man to death, his whole family would be killed too, down to the last child. So that there is no possibility of vengence. Where does this kind of mindset get us?

Win-lose equals to lose-lose. Always.

And yet, I can understand this. It is automatic with me too. When someone hurts me, I automatically have the desire to retaliate. Whether it is something involving life and death, or a small everyday thing, the underlying issue is the same.

Ask yourself : how do you respond when someone shows you the finger? Or you're driving and another driver cuts recklessly into your lane? Even the most restrained person would probably retaliate, if not in actions or words, than by mentally hurling a curse or two. Well, verbal or even mental attack is still an attack. Negative energy can be harmful too.

Maybe this automatic impulse to retaliate is a trait necessary for survival? Maybe without it, we human beings would be extinct? But one thing's for sure : this way of living is NOW doing us more harm than good. And If we continue living with this impulse, it would be a huge lose-lose for all humanity.

So when attacked, stand firm without retaliating. Break the cycle of 'you attack me therefore I have the right to attack you back'. It takes two to fight.

Yes, it is easier said than done. But then, I ask myself, have I never accidentally caused hurt or inconvenience? Of course I have. Many, many times. And there are blessed people who forgive me for my mistakes. They have broken the cycle by choosing to forgive instead of hurting me back. That is the way : Forgiveness and Compassion.

This morning, I am hurt by something that someone said. My automatic impulse was to confront them and fight back. I cried for a while. Then I chose to write this instead. Because the only way out of the vicious cycle is to stop. Just stop. And choose, consciously choose.

It's not about whether the attack is justified or not. No need to waste time trying to figure out who's right and who's wrong. A justified attack is still an attack.

There must be another way.

Giving in is not it. That's a lose-win game, and that will also lead to lose-lose eventually.

I dream that one day, instead of automatically sending back poison thought arrows, I will send blessings of love, sweetness and healing. It will be my automatic reaction, instead of a delayed one.

Until that day comes, I will constantly remind myself to be Aware, Stop, and Choose.
And I will choose the way that leads to Peace, Love and Healing.

Kazuo Inamori

2008-01-04T21:33:00.000+08:00

I'm reading this book 'A Passion For Success' by Kazuo Inamori, a leading entrepreneur in Japan and I'm amazed at how it seems to be echoing the beliefs and ideals that are floating in my mind and have not yet been crystalised... until I read it in print.

I just read this para and felt compelled to write in my blog...

He says "When unsuccessful people face a brick wall, they assume it is impenetrable. This is common sense. They do make an effort, but with limitations. They find commonsense reasons to excuse themselves and resign. To get through the wall, we have to destroy the 'conventional wisdom' that is fixed within our minds."

Wow...

So many times, I've felt I was facing a brick wall. In the past I have turned away. But with 95%, I have not.

Sometimes it is nothing more than sheer stubborness that keeps me at it. There have been times when 'conventional wisdom' screamed at me to walk away. And looking back, I'm glad I didn't.

Not that I've done anything particularly brilliant - most times, I just keep banging my head against the brick wall in an attempt to smash it! hahaha, it's damn painful! But what to do? I don't know any better.

Yet somehow, through my stubborness and refusal to walk away, something will happen. Either an opportunity will unexpectedly arise, or someone else will give me a brilliant idea, or I suddenly find something that gives me inspiration.

It seems as though the stubborn stand I take is enough to attract solutions from outside myself. Amazing!

I don't possess wide knowledge or business acumen, and I know I have heaps to learn. But knowing that my sheer determination and will power can make things happen gives me great hope. It can only get better. This is so exciting!

Ok, better get back to the book!

10 Milestones of 2007

2007-12-31T06:40:00.000+08:00

Thanks to Peter, I have started to take note of my own achievements and growth every year. He says to list ten things never done before.

Here's my 2007 list :
1. Pilates
2. Overcame my coffee addiction
3. Preparing myself to let mom go (she had a high risk mastectomy in July)
4. Put one cat and two dogs to sleep. Velvet, Walter and Bandit left us this year, all within months of each other. Velvet left by himself, Walter and Bandit needed asssistance.
5. Received a new teacher, Isis Fuqua.
6. Set up an altar to Green Tara at home, introducing her to mom and dad.
7. Invited Rongtha Rinpoche to come and Bless our home and family
8. Trained a group of people with no advertising background to be copywriters in 8 months
9. Interviewed Kancil Award judges and produced video.
10. Worked with 4As Creative Excellence Council headed by Jennifer Chan

Before I made this list, I thought I didn't have ten things this year!

Looking back, I think my biggest growth this year is letting go. Apart from my three pets, my spiritual teacher Master Choa Kok Sui also passed away this year. In his passing, I experienced him all around me. It became much easier to connect with him and the many, many lessons I've learnt from him over the years keep coming automatically into my mind. I see them everywhere, I feel him so close. I think I am starting to understand what is meant by the saying 'death liberates the soul'.

This happened in April. In July, I made peace with mom. When she went in for the mastectomy, the doctors warned me that it was very high risk for her. In the one week before her surgery, I would ask myself every day - if this is the last week I have with mom, how would I spend it? The last two nights before the surgery, I slept in hospital with her. Only I didn't sleep much. Especially the night before. It was like that Aerosmith song "I Don't Wanna Close My Eyes Cos I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" - I was fully present to listen to her every breath, every movement. And that was when I was able to mentally tell her that she is free to do as her Soul wishes. If she wishes to go, go with my love. If it's not time yet, I will gladly cherish every additional day that she is around physically. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to be with her, to care for her and comfort her as she has comforted and cared for everyone around her. And I still have the opportunity now :)

So this Christmas was very special, though bittersweet. Although I was busy, busy cooking, I decided not to get stressed and frantic as I usually do. So I was less ambitious and shared out the cooking duties with my sister-in-laws. Well, me being the drama queen fusspot, I still got stressed, but not as bad as in previous years la...

I felt that Mom wanted to get more involved this year so I asked her to teach me how to roast turkey! She said she couldn't remember. She decided to get involved anyway, in her own way - she forgot (?) that seven years ago, we all decided not to decorate the house and celebrate Christmas until Kenny comes home. So she got the maids to put up our old Christmas tree one day while I was out shopping, and when I came home, she said "Surprise!" Hahaha, yes it was a surprise. A nice one. Sonny added some lights to the tree and our front door, and it is very Christmassy. Maybe a sign that Kenny will be home soon. Maybe she didn't "forget" after all, haha!

This year at 95%, we made a quantum leap. We launched a re-designed module with three trainers. This has been a hugely positive step, a win for many parties :
• The graduates - they get much deeper learning. Some have secured their dream jobs, others have won awards.
• The trainers - our own growth, fulfilment and extra income.
• The business - 95% has grown considerably.
We're now looking at what quantum leap can we make in 2008. Phew, it's exhilarating!

On that note, I wish everyone a joyous celebration tonight. Take a moment to reflect upon your achievements of the past year and appreciate yourself deeply. If you don't look for it, you won't see it. So go and look!

Give yourself a big pat on the back and launch yourself gloriously into 2008. May you have a magnificent year ahead!
With much love, Janet.
(here's another one of my paintings)

Four years!

2007-09-26T17:04:00.001+08:00

Sonny and I have survived four years of marriage : today is our 4th wedding anniversary. Yay-Yay!

I remember before the wedding, I was so reluctantly counting down the days to my loss of independence, loss of space, loss of freedom to pursue my selfish desires. Not very romantic, I know. My excuse was I'm so old, and so set in my ways - any kind of change is going to be terrible. Ya, I have a habit of imagining the worst.

But then, to my surprise I found that marriage was actually pretty comfortable. It actually gives me more freedom, greater independence.

How come???

Because I now have an anchor at home. That gives me the courage to fly fast and far. I know there is something solid that will keep me safe. So I can take on more challenges, pursue greater dreams. Kinda like doing a trust fall, secure in knowing that someone will be there to catch me. It's nice.

Actually, I have been thinking of this whole marriage thing quite a bit lately. Events and conversations with the people around me have provided me with the the stimuli to reflect on what makes a strong marriage, and this is what I want to share.

People express their love in different ways. For some people, love is best expressed by giving expensive gifts : diamond rings, big houses, overseas holidays, etc. For others, gifts like that mean nothing.

For some, love is expressed physically : endless cuddles, kisses and sex, glorious sex. If any of that is missing, then oh no! It means that love is fading. For others, the physical aspect is nice but too much cuddling and hugging can be irritating.

For some, a way to express love is to pay attention, to listen. For others, it is to talk and share.

This can be a problem when two different individuals, who have different ways of expressing their love and have different needs, expect each other to be the same. Can you imagine it?

I like to share and talk. The more I love someone, the more I will allow him to see inside me and I will pour my heart out intimately.

But I learnt not to expect the same from Sonny. He doesn't like to talk and share. He would rather play solitaire or the building empire game thingy, and listen to music on headphones. If I were to ask him how was his day, he'd say "ok la." That's it!

If I measure him by MY benchmark, whoaaa... it looks like he doesn't love me, he doesn't trust me at all!

But I know he does, he just doesn't show it by talking and sharing. Once I figured out this difference, I don't expect it from him and I no longer mind when he goes into his own world.

He expresses his love not by talking, but by listening. When I come home, he will actually pause his game or video and just listen to me talk about my day. He looks deeply at me and he can always tell if I am tired or upset or sick. He shares my ups and downs every day. And that's the best gift that he can ever give me. No amount of diamonds or expensive cars and huge mansions can even come close to that kind of attention.

Another example : my dad. He's very uncomfortable with eye contact. All my life, whenever I have a serious talk with him, he'll be reading the newspapers or watching TV. It took me many years to realise that he is actually listening to me! He doesn't show his love by listening and looking at me - he shows his love by worrying about me behind my back (I know this only cos he complains to Sonny!).

So my point is : when it comes to 'signs' of love, don't measure others by your own benchmark. If you do, it may appear that they don't love you as much as you love them. When actually they do.

You just need to be really open to SEE it from their point of view.

And don't judge. There is no right or wrong way to express love. Just SEE what your partner needs and if you can 'package' your expression that way, why not?

Another thing : give, give and give without expecting anything in return. You won't be disappointed.

Well, four years of marriage doesn't make me an expert. Not yet anyway. But this is what's making me happy.

After 4 years, it's getting better and sweeter :) Here's a photo from my fairy garden wedding! Most brides want to look beautiful, I wanted to look like a fairy. And Sonny dressed up in a beautiful Punjabi suit that he bought from India. My bridesmaids wore glittery fairy dresses and his bestmen wore kurtas. My family spent the evening trying to figure out the theme!

That's us : while staying close together, we give each other space to be different, and to be free!

After the roller coaster ride

2007-09-11T16:49:00.000+08:00

Earlier this year, we took on eight people who wanted to be copywriters. Most of them had no advertising background, so it was a challenge for us as well as for them.

This is the longest training that we have done at 95% - five months that stretched to 22 weeks. So much happened in between. Two of the participants became first time fathers, one fractured his foot, and many of us had unexpected family emergencies, and even some really bad experiences.

And yet, somehow, we completed the training. And now, I am so proud of them, and pretty satisfied with the results. Out of the eight, only three are still looking for jobs. To read more about them, click on the title of this post.

The industry responded with unanticipated enthusiasm. I know Peter will frown at me for being pessimistic but I really didn't expect so much positive response. Even from those who couldn't come.

See these emails from Agency Heads :
"I am currently in London, but I just wanted to say that what you are doing is tremendous for the industry, and I personally want to thank you for all that you have done to add to the talent pool. I will, unfortunately, not be back in time for the graduation, but will be happy to talk to you when I come back with regard to offering jobs to two of the candidates, should they be in the market for opportunities in our industry. I thank you once again and wish you the very best for the day."

and one more ...

"I am so happy to hear the good initiative you are taking for our industry. I would really, really love to come but I have a prior engagement that cannot be undone. I am very sorry once again. I hope all of you will have a great time and my bigger wish is to see the 8 making it BIG."

and another one ...

"I’m very, very sorry for not making it on Friday. We were in town, but held up in an edit.
I got your mail on Friday, but got distracted by a call just as I was about to respond to it.
My apologies, it was very rude of me for not replying.
Hope the celebrations went well."

Those who attended the event as well as those who didn't, have left me feeling so overwhelmed that such important people (these are THE top in the industry) are being so encouraging, and so nice. They must be extremely busy people and yet, they have time to be nice. So unlike me when I was in advertising. Good learning here!

Of all the 700+ photos taken by Norman and Fajar, this one best defines the evening for me.

Me all happy and glowing, my faithful Sonny standing strongly for me in the background :)

Haha, and that's our best man Kelvin just in front of him!

Our wonderful team: I'm so proud of how everyone rose to the ocassion. Thank you guys!

Never cut what can be untied

2007-08-23T08:57:00.000+08:00

I found this on a Facebook Fortune Cookie. How profound.

I must say that it is so much easier to just cut,cut,cut ties with people whom I don't get along with or who bring conflict into my life. I have done just that in the past, and I found that as time goes by, there are fewer and fewer people in my life. By cutting ties, I have created separation and eventually isolation.

It is not as easy to untie the knot. Sometimes it means I have to swallow my pride, sometimes I have to remind myself to see the bigger picture : why is this person in my life, and what is it that he or she is meant to contribute to me.

I have found that the qualities I dislike in other people are the same qualities that I cannot accept in myself. And they are here in my life so that I can accept and claim back that aspect of me. It is humbling but liberating!

I have had various degrees of success with untying knotted relationships : in the best cases, we remain friends. In the worst case, we manage to maintain a cordial professional realationship.

And right now, there in one knot that has been bugging me for the past week. Hahaha, no wonder I found this fortune cookie today!

My mission in life is to create a world of Peace, Love and Joy. I believe that Peace in the world will happen when individuals learn to create Peace in their lives. And that is what I am trying to do :)

Crowbar Shortlist

2007-08-09T08:54:00.000+08:00

Congratulations to Fajar, Ernest and Wilson (which one? Or both?) for getting shortlisted in this year's Crowbar Awards. Is it true that you guys are the only ones from your uni that got in? Well, you certainly worked hard for it and I hope you win. Keep me informed please!

Mom goes into surgery

2007-07-21T10:43:00.000+08:00

BIOPSY RESULTS:
Good news! The cancer was only in the breast. So it is confirmed Stage 2. And it is now removed :) The doctors are now considering the best treatment for mom - probably no chemo cos of her age and other medical problems. Maybe radiotherapy? It's going to be dicey cos she's also being treated for Multiple Myeloma (plasma cell cancer) and she's also on a lot of stroke prevention medications, blood thinner, etc.

Meanwhile, I'm looking at homeopathic treatments. From what little I've heard, it sounds quite miraculous. Not easy to prepare, and may not be the most delicious remedies but it sure beats chemo! Please let me know if you know of a good homeopathic practitioner.

Once again, THANK GOD AND THANK ALL OF YOU for your prayers, love and care. Deep, deep thanks to all of you.

------------------------------------------------------

Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. She had a successful surgery this morning. Her great heart stayed strong and stable throughout, and her lymph nodes look normal. Two bits of blessed good news!

She spent 24 hours ICU. She was sedated longer than usual because the doctors wanted to minimise stress and trauma to her heart. It was a very high risk surgery and mom beat the odds. It's a miracle. Thank You God and all the Angels who came and brought comfort.

Our deepest gratitude also to the extremely skilled doctors who did a brilliant job of preventing a heart attack and are treating her with the greatest delicacy, God Bless them all.

Breast Surgeon: Dr Robert Jalleh
Anaesthesiologist: Datuk Dr Damodaran
Cardiologist: Dato Dr Ridzwan Bakar
Neurologist: Dr Lee Moon Keen
Haemotologist: Dr Puru

They are such an amazing team, driven by a pure love for the patient and compassion and sensitivity towards the family. They are truly God's instruments of healing.

Thank you to all our loving friends and loved ones who prayed and carried us in your own unique ways. Last night as I was struggling to stay calm while mom tossed and turned in bed, I felt we were carried, gently enfolded in the wamrth of your prayers and beautiful thoughts. Our deepest gratitude to you all, and may God heap Blessings upon you.

These photos are taken by Kosmo! when they came to interview her in May. Mom, Dad, Sonny and I are accompanied by little Sky (she's the black blob on mom's tummy).

Mom, may the Blessings of God be upon you
May His peace abide with you
May His pressence illuminate your heart
Now and forever more

Phew! Thank God and all our friends and loved ones ...

Our new Family

2007-07-16T11:04:00.000+08:00

After losing both Walter and Bandit to heartworm, Dad and Sonny brought home Magnolia, a boisterous white puppy from SPCA. She'll jump and jump around until she is carried, then she is as manja as the sweetest pussycat.

A few weeks later, our gardener found this little white fella crying by a drain. He's a handful! He likes to put his nose to the ground and wander, wander, wander far and wide (no wonder he got lost!). And he cries with all his puppy might when left alone. Thank Goodness there's Magnolia to keep him company.

His name is Moby Magoo. Both pups are white but Moby doesn't stay white for long. He needs a bath almost every day. Naughty fella!

There are more photos of Moby than Magnolia cos she never stays still, while Moby is still blur-blur...

This is Sky, her black speckled coat reminds me of a beautiful starry night. She is either hyper (we just see a black streak flying across the room) or a purry, bubbly blob. She likes to sleep on my pillow and rest her big purring belly against my head. So bliss...

Mom doesn't like cats but Sky doesn't know that! Hahaha...

Passion vs Commitment

2007-06-26T15:56:00.000+08:00

My husband said he wants to start up a blog titled "The Adventures of My Wife, The Pig."

I've been overeating again, and this time, I seem to have surpassed his highest expectations. Although he pretends to be shocked, I know he's actually proud of my piggy achievements. But just to rub it in and give him a rash of goosebumps, I went on and on about how nice it is that he is so proud of me. And asked him what else is he proud of me for?

To my surprise, he took me seriously and said he's proud of my mindset towards work, and my passion to reach out and make a difference to people, and my commitment to 95%.

That shut me up for a moment. I had to deal with my own goosebumps!

Funny, it was only recently that I was sharing my views on passion vs commitment.

What I believe is that it is easy to be committed when the passion is strong, and I am loving what I do. So giving my all to 95% is mostly a joy. Even when I am exhausted. Actually, I think in the past 3 years, I have only had one brief spell of dreading to come to work. It requires very little effort to do what I do. It is easy, it is natural, and there is nothing else I would rather be doing.

Now, I don't call this commitment. Or rather, my commitment isn't being called for yet.

I think that commitment is called for only when passion fades. Passion provides energy. Commitment is what keeps you going when you have no energy left, when you'd much rather be doing something else. Commitment is keeping your word, even when your body, mind and heart is crying out for you to run away and lead an easier life.

This is what I have seen Sonny doing. At his previous job, and now again at his current one. He goes in with a purpose, and no matter how tough it becomes, no matter how tired he gets, or how much he dislikes doing what he does, he will see it through. He will not leave until he has fulfilled his word and turned the place around. Now that is what I call commitment. That is what I admire and respect.

I think it is the same with relationships too. When passion is strong, no problem. But when life kicks in, that's when commitment is called for. It takes commitment to remain open when you'd rather shut down, to be accessible when you'd rather be left alone, to listen and empathise when you'd rather be blaming and judgemental.

Actually I see this quality in many people around me: my brother Ken and his wife Wati of course, and Mom & Dad who will be celebrating their 60th anniversary soon. And also my dearest friends and colleagues Peter and Shahnaz - we've been through rough times and still going strong!

Whether it is at work, or in relationships and friendships, I'm glad I have people to show me what commitment truly is.

My first Cannes!

2007-06-21T22:46:00.000+08:00

The ad that Norman and team at Dentsu Msia created for 95% was just awarded Finalist for the Press Section of Cannes. Wow, no metal also nevermind, this is a first for me. Also first time winning an award as the client!
And it's even sweeter cos it was the work of my graduate...yay-yay!

Click on the title to view results. Here's the ad they created.

Be still... and see butterflies

2007-06-03T12:57:00.000+08:00

This was a rare Sunday where I was absolutely free. No workshop, no training, no appointments. Just me and one whole day in which I can do anything at all.

I decided to take our new puppy Magnolia down to run around in the garden. She's been sick and we've been keeping upstairs on the balcony. Now that she's recovered, she's so frisky and needs to run.

So we went down and I saw Dad sunbathing. Must be his mat-salleh blood! I sat next to him while Magnolia ran and ran laps around the garden. Bandit (who is now unwell) was hiding under a car, totally ignoring the boisterous youngster.

I woke up with a bad headache - been hurting for the past few days. But after some time in the sun, it faded away. And dad said his skin problem also fades if he spends time in the sun. Then we moaned about how we spend too much time in air-conditioned places and not enough time doing things in the sun.

After a while, he went up. I stayed down to allow Magnolia to get familiar with the garden - no way is she going to be an in-house dog.

The longer I sat, the more I noticed. At first, I was so aware of my sweat, the mosquitoes, the bugs buzzing around me, sticking to my sweaty skin.

Then as I sat there too lazy to move, I started to notice the butterflies planting kisses on flowers. As my eyes followed their flight, I saw red dragonflies, three of them, hovering above the fish pond. A movement on the grass caught my eye - I turned and saw two mynah birds walking and plucking goodness knows what from the grass. Then farther away, a small brown squirrel jumped down from a tree branch and scampered past.

It was a moment of perfect peace, where I was in perfect harmony with nature.

As I write this, a pigeon just fluttered by, and John Lennon's 'Imagine' just came on over the Astro Nostalgia channel mom was listening to upstairs. What a beautiful Sunday...

There is something so magical, so incredibly soothing and uplifting to just sit still... and allow my eyes to flit with a butterfly. Or follow a bird. Oh the squirrel just made a brief appearance. And Magnolia has followed Bandit's example and gone to snooze under a car.

I remember in training, we always say that when you're going through a tough time with inner conflict and lots of noises in your head (big time mm!), just focus out. Focus on people and the world around you. Look for the beauty and appreciate it in your surroundings.

This morning I realised that when I focussed on the butterflies, I forgot about the sweat, the bugs and mosquitoes. They're still there but I'm not fretting cos I'm so caught up in the joyful flight of butterflies.

I remember my teachers saying "wherever your attention goes, energy follows" So if I am focussed on my sweat and the bugs, I energise and magnify the discomfort. But when I pay attention to the butterflies, I energise the beauty and godliness of the world around me. My own discomfort fades from lack of energy. Beautiful ...

Happy Sunday to you, and may you focus on the 'butterflies' around you all day!

SHINE 6 is on!

2007-05-29T17:40:00.000+08:00

Shine, the training we designed for the 4As is now in its sixth round - we must be doing something right! To read more about Shine, click on the title, and it'll link you to an article in ADOI magazine.

Pass the word around : Shine 6 will be on 13 - 15 July 2007.

Who should attend? Anyone and everyone who is in advertising or mass comm. If you're interested, please contact hex@95percent.com.my or call 03-2287 7095. Or just let me know.

Phew, it was a good one

2007-05-04T10:18:00.000+08:00

The Star actually picked up bits of my speech! Click on the title to read the article written by their journalist Lisa.

I'm just happy that mom and dad were happy with my speech. I was so surprised that Dad was so moved - when it was over, he hugged and kissed me! Very unusual behaviour for that strong silent Chinaman - think the last time he did that was at my wedding!

Here's me kissing mom after my speech, when my brother Mike wheeled her onto the stage.

Mom is actually still kinda dazed. The whole event was quite overwhelming for her, and of course my speech took her by surprise. From the stage, I saw her smiling and laughing at the funny bits, and then I saw Dad reach out and hold her shoulder during the emotional part when I spoke about my brother Kenny. I warned my niece Mellissa to standby with tissues for her - but she didn't cry.

Neither did I!

Now that was an achievement! And that was my biggest worry - how to be authentic and moving without turning it into a weepy wailing spectacle that would embarass the organisers. I'm glad I managed. My voice did break, and I was close to it, but managed to focus. Phew, I'm glad it's over, and I'm glad I gave it my all. I thank God for giving me the courage and divine guidance, and Sonny for being such a steady rock by my side.

Here are the five wonder-moms, from left : Datuk Dayang Fatimah Tom Abang Saufi, Prof Datuk Dr Sharifah Hapsah Syed Hassan Shabudin, Tan Sri Siti Norma Yaakob and Puan Zahrah Bidin.

And here Mom, Sonny and I are being greeted by Nik Surina, Avon's Head of PR and En Wan Mansoor, the MD. Pity Dad was parking the car and missed the photo opportunity.

I must say Avon did a really classy job with the whole event. As a finishing touch, Nik came over today (abt two weeks after the event) to personally give us a framed photo and photo album. Very, very nice touch. It's the kind of gesture that I always think of but never get round to doing. They've got style.

Two minutes to share a lifetime of love

2007-04-30T05:48:00.001+08:00

My mom is one of six ladies who will be receiving an award from Avon as their tribute to Mothers who have helped shape the nation. The event is on Thursday 3rd May, with our new Queen as the guest of honour.

As part of their programme, Avon wants the children of these six ladies to give a two minute tribute on stage about their mom. So of course, my mom asked me to do it. (My brother Mike has a tendency to tell his fishing jokes and once he even broke out in a Hindi song!)

So panic, panic... as usual, I have been doing my best not to think about it (cannot afford to be stuck in 'mm'). But the rehearsal is on Wed - that's day after tomorrow!!!

It's not the stage fright that is scary - it is that I only have two minutes. How can I possibly squeeze in everything that I feel about Mom in such a short time? What if I leave something out? What if I fall short of the task and my tribute doesn't live up to the glory of my Mom?

It's funny how life turns out, isn't it? I spend my life in advertising, trained to squeeze compelling selling messages into just 30 secs. Compared to that, 120 secs should seem long. But it isn't.

One night we were on the way home from dinner, and it happened that it was just Mom and me in the car. Out of the blue, she turned to me and said "You know, you're so good to me now, but I think I've neglected you when you were a child. I was always so busy. I was hardly ever at home." That took me totally by surprise! I felt so warm, so touched.

She doesn't usually say things like this. Whenever I get mushy with her and tell her how much I love her, she always says "Aiya, I don't know how to say things like that." So for her to say this was a complete surprise. And I've been thinking that I don't spend enough time with her.

Anyway, I squeezed her hand, and suddenly, there was a movie playing in my head - a movie of my childhood memories with mom. As each sweet memory came up, I described it to her. She couldn't remember much but it didn't matter. The feeling that came with each memory just radiated out from both our hearts and filled the car. It was like we were in one happy bubble - pity the car ride had to end.

My relationship with my Mom has been rocky over the years. When I was much younger, I used to blame her for every inadequacy I had. Yup, I was a complete victim of 'my Mom didn't bring me up properly'. Aaw, poor little me... hahahaha!

Well, I got over that a long time ago when I moved into my guilty phase : "Mom has been so great and I never loved her enough, I haven't done enough for her, I'm taking her for granted, and so on..."

I've only recently got over that. I got over being stuck in my beliefs and focussed on just being present with her. And now, our relationship is the sweetest it has ever been. Thanks to Bisma, I woke up to how important it is to be present and fully appreciate each and every moment.

So I am glad that I have this opportunity now. And I think that's why I woke up at 4.45am, fresh and unable to go back to sleep. I've been lying in bed trying to figure out what to say. Think I have something in mind now - something risky but something that is important to my family, and it is something that only I am daring enough to do.

I'm not going to share it yet, still need to think it through first before I start writing the words. I always say this to our participants : crystalise your intention and your message first. Then the words will flow.

Since I started 95%, it seems that I get thrown a bigger challenge each year. Last year, it was being MC at Kancil Awards. The year before it was a letter for my brother. Now, it's Mom.

It always comes to this : If I had a platform to speak and be heard, what would I say?

What would YOU say?

Imagine if you had this one chance to say something about YOUR mom, what would you say? Think about it - and I challenge you to find a way to actually deliver it in front of her.

Ok, time for my second cup of coffee. Hope you have a blessed week ahead, and may your mom receive lots of love and blessings too :)

Yikes... Termites!

2007-04-22T12:59:00.000+08:00

I love reading, I love books. I've spent years and heaps of money collecting books.

I have two cousins who share my love for the sci-fi and fantasy genre. One is in Melbourne and the other is in Hong Kong (he was previously studying in America) and whenever we met, we would introduce books to each other.

I remember my Melbourne cousin took me to Minotaur, a specialist bookstore, and I went crazy! Thank God for credit cards - I've never bought that many books at one go. I just couldn't control myself. There were so many stories that I just HAD to have. When I arrived back in KL with my suitcase full of books, the customs officer eyed me so suspiciously - I remember he even went through my whole suitcase and picked up almost every book.

Most of them had strange titles that he could not fathom, like 'Dragon On A Pedestal' and 'Geis of the Gargoyle' - I could see the question marks in his mind??? Then he saw one title 'For the love of Gaia' (Gaia being the spirit or goddess of Earth) and he said "Oh, semua ni love story ye?" Hahaha.. well, ok, fine - if that will stop his MM and let me pass through, fine. All love stories.

I bought the complete set of Xanth books by Piers Anthony (he had written only about 14 then), the complete 'Incarnations of Immortality' series by same author, the complete 'Riftwar Saga' by Raymond E. Feist, the classic Foundation series by Isaac Asimov, and I discovered an extremely meaningful series called 'Cat-Fantastic' - compilations of fantasy cat stories! Oh, they really touched me so deeply, I could relate to those stories like they have been buried inside my soul for years and years, just waiting to be awakened and brought to full consciousness. Yes, it is just stories about cats. But you know how I feel about cats.

Ok, so I had this amazing collection and I still read them from time to time. I also spent years collecting the Katherine Kerr series - about reincarnations and a magician named Nevyn. I remember one birthday, Peter made me so very happy because he managed to track down that one missing book in the series that I could not find. It was 'The Bristling Wood' and he found it in a second hand bookshop.

So what does all this have to do with termites?

My house has become infested with termites. I think it must have developed over the past year or two.

And their nest is in my bookcase :(

Oh woe, my wonderful books have become termite cities, termite buffets. Termite highways now link one author to the next, termite catacombs (like honeycombs) are all that are left of my Arthur C. Clarke's Rama series :(

Termites have also spread to our walls and wooded floors. The electrician, who was the one who alerted us to this problem, said our whole house is in danger of collapsing!!!

Dad immediately got an exterminator to come and check it out. They said they would set traps with insecticide and trap the buggers. Not harmful to cats or humans, but damn tasty and lethal to termites. It would cost RM5,500 for a one year contract. Wow, I thought, so expensive! But if it can lure the termites away from my books, it would be worth it.

That was about a month ago. The termite traps have not caught anything. The exterminator said our termites are 'intelligent'. Dad wrote and asked them to explain how termites can be more intelligent than the exterminator. We're still waiting for an answer.

Anyway, as this is the only weekend where Sonny and I are not working, he decided that we must clear the room. Ok, fine. Let's do it.

And we started with my bookcase. Sigh... so sad, so sad to reluctantly let each book go. Sonny was making jokes and termite puns all the way. Some were actually funny, but I was too miserable to listen. Will I ever be able to build back my collection? There was so much inspiration there...

Anyway, the one great blessing is that my much-loved Cat-Fantastic books were ok. Thank You, God.

A Sweet, Sweet Surprise

2007-04-03T18:25:00.000+08:00

A really nice thing happened today : I had a sudden sugar-craving so I went down to the coffee shop to buy some chocolate. I looked around but could not find any.

Dear En Faisal, the owner noticed my plight and asked what I was looking for. When I told him I wanted a bar of chocolate, he sadly shook his head and said "oh we don't sell that". Then he added "but if your need is urgent, I will let you have some of mine".

My eyes popped open; I could barely believe my ears.

He opened his fridge, reached into his secret hiding place, and pulled out a huge bar of Lindt chocolate! Lindt! Wow!

He broke off a huge portion and gave it to me! Wow! I was so touched, I almost floated out of his shop. And I'm still smiling as I write this : he has just reminded me of how pure and beautiful the human heart can be. This unexpected gift has lifted me. If you're reading this, I wish you too will receive an unexpected gift today!

:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

COURAGE

2007-03-12T17:06:00.000+08:00

I found this while I was tidying up - it's a big poster in my own handwriting - but I can't remember writing it nor where I got it from. It says ...

IT IS NOT THAT THINGS ARE DIFFICULT THAT WE DO NOT DARE.
It is because we do not dare, that things become difficult.

Courage : an action that springs from the heart. All action inspired by a center of true love brings with itself security and firmness that cannot be disturbed. To be courageous is to know that fear offers no resistance to love.

Hmmm.. it's quite appropriate that I found this now : I am starting a brand new training tonight - Idea Generators In Progress. And my POV of how to be a great idea person is to simply allow love to be stronger than fear.

Which leads me to another topic. Neale Donald Walsch, author of the amazing 'Conversations With God' series said that all action is motivated by only two things - love or fear. Since then, I have also heard this from many masters. And when I look at all the choices I've made in my life, yes, it can be traced to either love or fear.

Happy New Year!

2007-02-18T10:13:00.000+08:00

I wish for you : a new horizon of success and prosperity, rich in love and laughter, peace and oneness.

A new year means a new beginning, a fresh start. Complete and let go of what has passed and clear space for glorious new creations. Open your heart to receive all good things and your year will be a magnificent one.

With love and light,
Janet

Mom's 80th Birthday

2007-01-19T07:52:00.000+08:00

My mother will celebrate her 80th birthday this Sunday, 21st January 2007.

Still radiantly healthy and full of spunk, this lady has been a huge role model for me. When I was a little girl, I used to follow her to her Red Crescent office (she was Secretary General).

I was there with her when the May 13th Emergency struck. I remember we had to spend the night there and then sneak home in an ambulance the next day. Mom didn't sleep for about a week during that time. She was busy running the ambulance and rescue operations.

There were reports flying in, about people being shot at, killed, massacred. People were stranded with no food or water. Mom heard that one of the volunteers had been shot at, and it was a narrow miss. That volunteer turned out to be my dad!

Mom stayed at the Red Crescent HQ for almost a week. When she finally came home, she found herself confronted with a sea of camping bodies - neighbours, relatives and friends who had come to take refuge in our home. So she had to organise our home as well. And she did it all with her usual calm and loving way - fussing over every little detail and painstakingly working out each system and process until it was smooth as clockwork.

I remember she would get phone calls in the middle of the night (I was the baby of the family, and only girl, so I used to sleep in Mom & Dad's bedroom) - and she would have to quickly pack a bag and fly by helicopter to wherever the flood or disaster was.

I remember when Highland Towers collapsed. She was directing operations on the scene of course. And even though she had friends inside the collapsed apartment block, she kept her head about her. She came home and told us how one friend came running up to her and said in tears, that his wife was still inside. It tore her heart, but there was nothing she could do. She had to be strong and steady and mastermind all the operations there.

Can you imagine the strength of this lady?

I wanted to have this all done up by Sunday - but was kept busy by mom. I'll progressively update this throughout the week. Meanwhile, her little birthday dinner on Saturday night was a simple and sweet affair. Looking forward to her 90th birthday now!

A new Ad Agency called RELIGION

2007-01-17T09:04:00.000+08:00

I think this is a brilliant concept. Singaporean Creative Guru Francis Wee (who has won every gold award in the world!) has opened up his own agency and given it a controversial name. Controversial but with a great reason! Brilliant!

Read all about it in ADOI - click on the title.

I think this exactly where advertising is heading these days. Just limiting ideas to tv and print won't work anymore, and more and more people have caught on and changed their way of thinking. Advertising is evolving so fast, so exciting, almost wish I was still in agency. Almost ...

Men & Women

2007-01-15T21:54:00.000+08:00

I once heard this saying "Men love with their eyes, women love with their ears". At first I thought it meant that men are attracted to the physical charms of a woman, while women fall for men who say beautiful words.

Later I realised that while this has some truth, there is a deeper meaning (at least from my POV) : men LOOK at the women they care for, searching for signs of approval, happiness, and well-being. Women LISTEN to the men they care about, seeking to understand them better.

When I come home after a long day, my husband will look deeply into my face and he gets all the info he needs in order to know if I've had a good day or lousy one. But I need to hear him speak about his day in order to know.

Both got good intentions, but sometimes, it can cause conflict. Women get accused of 'taking words and twisting them'. Maybe men are careless about their choice of words only because to them, words are not important. And women get so frustrated when the men they love won't talk about deep and meaningful stuff. Men cringe whenever a woman says "we need to talk". And they freak out when they see a woman cry.

Ironic isn't it - both also care, but the different methods can sometimes drive each other nuts.

I remember a short story written by Adrian Miller that was published in one of the Silverfish compilations. In his story, the man comes home and makes a shocking announcement to his wife, then gets extremely upset (to the point of breaking up) because she showed her upset - or rather, she tried to hide her shock by putting on a mask and making herself busy - but of course, the man can SEE right through it.

I've experienced this many times - bad enough I am expected to cope with bad news or harsh criticism (feedback is neutral, criticism is judgemental and vicious), I also have to put on a face that shows nothing but love and understanding. Gggrrr...

Am I an alien for thinking this? Anyone else have this kind of experience?

Our Largest Intake Graduates Tonight

2007-01-12T07:33:00.000+08:00

17 participants will complete their 8-week training at 95% tonight. After all they have been through, it will be a pleasure and an honour to see them graduate. They have every reason to feel proud of their achievements and growth.

If you are reading this, and you'd like to come and share this celebration with us, please come. We'd love to have you. Just give Chris a call at 03-2287 7095.

In bed with Wabi

2007-01-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

For about a week after we put the new furniture in our bedroom, Wabi wouldn't come in. While I was happily enjoying the 'new furniture' smell, he was avoiding it.

Like many people, he doesn't like change.

Anyway, he eventually got used to it and started spending more and more time with me. My escape now is to hide in bed and blog or watch video (you MUST checkout Heroes! Very, very nail-bitingly good!) and of course Wabi joins me.

For a few nights in a row, I went to sleep early with Wabi. Then when Sonny came down, I'd wake up and we'd both laugh at how he's sleeping. Then we'd poke and pull the fella, twist him around, stretch him out, and throw the blanket over him. And he wouldn't move! He has a strange habit of sleeping anyway - belly up and twisted around. Or under pillows or the carpet. Strange fella.

Then we grabbed the camera and started taking photos. All the while, Sonny was shaking his head saying "No cat behaves like that. No cat will let you do this to him...no cat..." (ok Shahnaz I know you call him a cow - but I think no cow would let us do that either)

Dear Wabi Sabi, sooooooo cute. As I write this, he's already snoozing, looking innocent and angelic with nose buried in between his paws, still right side up. For now ...

Sonny, where are the photos??? Email to me laa, I wanna put on ma blog!

Being on time

2007-01-09T21:54:00.000+08:00

Just did the first day of a 2-day training for a group of Senior Management people (including GM, and CEO). It was a big group, about 13 - 14 pax in all, and I had not done a training for such a large group of Senior Mgmt before.

The first surprise was that at 9.00am (the time the training was meant to start), 10 pax were already in their seats. At 9.02, another two walked in and we started. Wow, they have certainly learnt something about honouring time keeping. Maybe that's why they climbed up to Senior Mgmt!

Passion to Write

2007-01-08T18:55:00.000+08:00

If you love writing, check out this site www.passiontowrite.com. Click on the title. Then come back here and tell me what you think. Thanks!

A good start to 2007

2007-01-01T10:28:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a really nice new year's eve. Sonny and I decided to re-decorate our bedroom, clearing out the old ancient furniture and making space for nice cupboards and bookcases (we are both bookworms).

So we went off to Ikea. We got there pretty early - just before 12 noon and it was already packed! Then we did the smart thing - we ate first hehehe. With a bellyful of FastaPasta, we were all charged up to shop.

Found nice stuff, at ok prices and then I ran off to get a trolley. Hmmm, there were no more. So I waited. And waited. And a queue started building up behind me. The place was packed with shoppers! I think it was at least 20 minutes before any trolleys came. While waiting, I started chatting with the man behind me and another old lady. Chatting about nothing really, but it made the waiting nicer, and it made me feel human.

Finally, I got a trolley and managed to manoeuvre it back to where Sonny was waiting. We loaded it up and started queuing to pay. Another long wait. Then we went to arrange for home delivery : our number was 200, and the number being served was 127. Ok, more waiting...

We decided to load the rest of our stuff in my little Kelisa first and then come back. After Sonny heroically used the weight-lifting skills he learnt way back in uni to load our new cupboards, we went back up the waiting area - and found that the number being served was 135.

Hmm...

Sonny went off to look for his current favourite book "The World Is Flat" while I settled down on the trolley. I curled up and just waited. Funny, I didn't feel impatient. I was at peace, happy to just watch people and be with my own thoughts. The time was 3pm. I was surprised that we had spent so much time there already. My plan was to get home as early as possible and start fixing the stuff up. It's not often I have the mood to clean up and I didn't want to waste it.

But somehow, I wasn't anxious or stressed. I was in a happy bubble. I would listen to the people around me and we'd just smile to each other. They all became familiar to me. Eventually, we waited til 4.20 before our number came up. By that time, I felt so familiar with everyone there already - like we have become one small community. Isn't it strange? I think human beings by nature are communal creatures. And it is possible to be so connected to a crowd of strangers, even without saying a word to anyone.

Then I got rewarded for my patience and peace : Ikea wanted to deliver our stuff that day itself. Whoohooo... we can get our room ready all at once now! Yay!

When I got home at about 5pm, I was thinking that it would be nice if life could be like that every day : I wake up committed to do the important things. Do it without getting upset at hiccups. And then receive an unexpected reward. How nice. Perfect!

Later that evening, we went out with Mom and Dad. Dad's freemason lodge was holding their annual Ladies' Night on New Year's Eve so it would be a double celebration.

The lodge is an amazing thing. It is for men only. They meet once a month and practise strange rituals and ceremonies that are shrouded in secrecy. No outsider knows what they do. Dad once said there are two topics which are not allowed under their roof : religion and politics. And there are two criteria for men who want to join : must believe that there is a Higher Power (even if they don't call him God) and must have a trade or craft. At one of their functions, I heard them say their objective is to make 'a good man better'. They call each other 'brethren'.

Well, from what I have seen over the years, the men are very much like brothers. There is some kind of commitment to look after each other's families. When mom was hospitalised after her stroke, they would come and visit. Mom and I don't even know some of them, but they would come and sit with us or pray with us. There have been hints and subtle signs of their unspoken bond to each other. I think it's a good thing.

Last night at their Ladies night, it felt like a huge family gathering. Very warm and full of laughter. Very nice.

We came home just before the countdown and watched MPPJ's firework display from our balcony. Mom, Dad, Sonny, our maid Robena, Wabi and me. Then we hugged and kissed each other and happily went to bed. Nice...

I wish you a Hppy New Year. May you always see the Blessings around you, feel the Love that surrounds you, and may you receive as generously as you give.

Wishing You A Blessed Christmas

2006-12-30T18:22:00.000+08:00

What does Christmas mean to me? My family has never been religious. We are baptised Anglicans but my parents have never taken me to church. We each pray in our own way, privately, and the only time we arein church together is for weddings and funerals.

So, back to Christmas...

Christmas when I was young was about feasting, family and the freedom for me to decorate the house any way I wanted. Hahaha, I remember one year, I wrapped tinsel around all the drawer handles and no one could open them until after the decorations were taken down on the twelvth day. Another year, I decided I wanted icicles all over the house and I spent two weeks of my school holidays cutting white crepe paper into thin stripes and dangling them around every doorknob, shelf, railing and chair back I could find! Then there was the year that I discovered snow spray (let's not get into that!)

The other feature about Christmas is spaghetti bolognaise. Mom would make a huge potful, and I mean huge! We'd stir and stir it until our arm muscles bulged. The whole house would smell of oregano and basil and rich-beefy-tomatoey goodness ... mmm, heaven! Later, as I grew up and took over the cooking, I added creamy seafood pasta, garlic grilled prawns, and of course melted cheese was in everything.

Then there was the whole presents thing. I would procrastinate and leave it all to the last minute - then Panic! Frenzy! Rush! And somehow still find time to make all the wrappings 'themed' for the year. It used to take me hours and hours to get it all done, and the list would grow longer every year.

The last five years have been different though. Since the 2000 tragedy, none of us have felt like celebrating. No presents, no decorations, no karaoke wild parties that last til dawn. We would just keep oursleves cooking and cooking until we drop, too tired to think. My family would stick together tightly. We have every meal together, from Christmas Eve dinner to Christmas Day lunch and dinner and sometimes even on Boxing Day. Mostly trying to finish up the leftovers.

Then, this year, something changed. Reading 'The Secret' reminded me of the lessons I learnt from various masters. This year, I decided to focus on what I have instead of what's missing. And I decided to start coming out of my hole.

It helped that the guru besar was constantly pestering Peter and me to give him an X-box for Christmas!

We held a wonderful party at 95%. Chris and his Org Com came up with the best theme ever "Coming home for Christmas" and it was like a homecoming. The whole huge family of 95% graduates and closest trainers coming together to play and feast was lovely. Very heartwarming. Made me very happy.

I must say I enjoyed buying presents again - although my family still didn't give any to each other. I didn't dare break tradition. But my sis-in-law did. And this opens the way for us to do more next year.

So for me this Christmas is about change, an opportunity for me to re-focus on life and reset my priorities. Mom will definitely be a top priority. And creating a comfortable, inspiring home. All this has taken a back seat for the past two years, and it's time for me to put my heart here now.

And I would like to start painting again ...

Been a while...

2006-12-21T19:41:00.000+08:00

Been so busy that blogging (this blog anyway) has dropped in my list of priorities.

My life now goes like this : work all day and night at 95%, go home, squeeze Wabi, pat Ninja, sayang husband and mother, sleep like a person in a coma, and then it's another busy day at 95%.

The last few months have been really busy. I thought that year end would be relatively quiet, but no - several agencies are still actively running our trainings or briefing us on their 2007 training requirements.

Actually 95% is doing better than I anticipated. Although there's still a loooong way to go, I think we have built a decent foundation, and we're in a good solid place to start 2007. I'm looking forward to it with so much pleasure and excitement. And also calm - is that a contradiction? Well, I do feel calm, as opposed to panicky and worried - maybe confident is a better word.

Hmmm... when I sat down to blog, I didn't plan to write about this, but it just flowed out so I'll go with it. I guess that for the past two years, 95% has been my single-minded focus. Family and self have taken back seats cos I decided to give my all to setting up this place. If I don't, I will never know how far I can actually go.

Now that I am reflecting on this, I must say I am satisfied. I am extremely Blessed to have received so much support and encouragement and love. From all around. It's incredible!

Of course, my biggest supporters are Mom, Dad and Sonny - and I don't think I can do this if I didn't have the comfort of such a loving home. Ah, I can hear Sonny saying "but it's a mess, a huge horrible mess" I know dear, but there's love there. And I have decided to restore some balance to my life in 2007. 95% is stablising so I can start to build back my life now.

My dear, dear partners and colleagues : Peter, Shahnaz, Raz-berri who are always there, always within reach - it's amazing how far we have come, isn't it? As individuals as well as a team. Or family. Yup, you guys are like family and I love you so much.

Hmmm... I'm feeling mellow and sentimental. I got class in a few minuites so can't afford to stay in this mood - gotta go kick ass.

Will continue soon. Meanwhile, here's another photo of my dear Wabi for you to enjoy... heheh...

Ninja settles in

2006-12-11T09:29:00.000+08:00

Remember the little black puppy who adopted us? Well, he is bringing me great delight everyday : he now allows me to stroke him from nose to tail!

How did this happen? Well, his wound opened up and started smelling again. So we really had to find a way to take him to the vet. But how? He was so wild and so scared that we can't even go near him to feed him. And he runs very fast.

Then, we found this incredible man - Kulwan, the dog whisperer. His specialty is his love for dogs. And he spends his time taking difficult dogs to the vet in his big van, and also takes on contracts to bathe dogs regularly. If you need someone llike this, call me and I'll give you his contact.

I told him about Ninja and he said no problem : if we can just lure him into our dog pen, he will come and handle the rest. And he did!

So Ninja was taken to the vet. And he stayed at the vet for two weeks, getting his wound treated everyday until it was completely dried up.

When Sonny and I went to check on him after a week, we found him still scared and he actually growled at me. Wouldn't let me go near him at all :(

But after two weeks, with the vet carrying him everyday and being gentle with him, he got used to people. When we went to bring him home, he allowed me to carry him into the car. But he was just being submissive, not yet trusting.

Anyway, I kept talking to him and patiently allowed him to come closer and closer at his own pace. Slowly he came closer and closer. He would lick my fingers, and run away. Then come back and lick again. One day, he let me stroke his head! Wah, so happy. Then, slowly, I could stroke his neck, muzzle ... and now can stroke him from nose to tail... yay!!!

And he looks like a happy dog now, chewing up everthing and digging up eveything, galloping all over the garden. I'm so happy that he is happy. Not a terrified little puppy anymore.

He is still easily scared though and he won't come to me when there are other people around. But he'll grow used to it, I'm sure. He has come such a long way already. And I am Blessed with yet another loving pet :)

I spent a lovely Sunday just alternating my cuddles between Wabi Sabi and Ninja, and Wabi Sabi and Ninja... Bliss...

Happy Monday!

2006-12-04T14:20:00.000+08:00

For those of you who, unlike me, don't like Mondays ...
click on the title and visit this link, it takes a while to load so be patient, it'll make you smile.

Kancil Awards 2006

2006-11-30T20:21:00.000+08:00

This was by far the most nerve-wracking Kancil for me : Hwa got me to be co-MC! AAAaaarrggghhhh!
(click on the title to see full results - read the judges' comments)

When Hwa first asked me, I wanted to turn back time and pretend I never received his phone call. I would even happily lose my phone, lose my line, lose my mind (!) so that I won't have to respond to this kind of invitation. But of course cannot la. So I had to decide whether to say yes or no. What made it worse was that Hwa said 'this should be no problem for you, you are a trainer wat' YA LAAA!!! That's the problem! If I screw up, who will send people for our presentation skills workshops anymore?

Well, after the initial shock became a cold twister in my tummy, I realised that I cannot possibly say no. It's an opportunity that has come to me - an opportunity to stand up and be heard - if I turn it away because I am so shit scared of failure, what message would I be sending out?! How can I expect our participants to face challenges if I don't? Aaarrggghhh...

So do lor...

As usual, the first thing I do to prepare myself is to look for the outfit. What to wear? Hwa said now I got excuse to buy a stunning dress - aaargghhh... more pressure! Anyway I decided that I have no time to lose weight and get into shape, and more importantly, I am not the star of the night. So I donwanna be all glammed up and desperately uncomfortable. I decided to wear a simple professional jacket and just buy a long evening skirt.

Humph, that was another adventure : I couldn't find any simple long evening skirts in black! Can you believe it? I thought it was the most basic piece of clothing, the most common. But no, there were sequins, and all sorts of weird cuts and frills and yuckky stuff. And you know what??? They cost between RM200 - RM880!!! Crazy ah?

Then, inspiration struck - I decided to buy fabric and get a tailor to sew something simple for me. And I'm so proud of myself for that. The fabric cost RM27.50 for 2.75 meters of black satin, and the tailoring (rush-job price) was RM40. AND the skirt looked alright - yay!

Once I got the outfit handled, the rest came slightly easier - went for the briefing and met my co-MC who was a seasoned pro. Phew, thank goodness! I could breathe then.

After the rehearsal on Friday itself, it was too late to run away or pretend to be sick - it was like the first time I sat on the Solero Shot in Genting - after the bar came down and we started rising, I was almost out of my mind with fear! Shit, no turning back! Then when we reached the top - the damn thing would stay up there for 10 secs, then can hear and feel the gears change and then we drop. Just after the 10 secs, when I heard the gears change, I was surprised to find myself experiencing a moment of peace - a moment of total surrender where I said, I'm all yours, God - do with me what you will. And it was so peaceful. Then I dropped and screamed my lungs out.

So after the rehearsal, I experienced my moment of peace. I surrendered and once again said to God - do with me what you will. And it was so cool...

When I arrived, lots of people were already there. As I walked in, I received so much support and encouragement from so many - Shinesters, 95% graduates, ex-colleagues, and the one that touched me the most was Neal Estavillo, the MD of JWT, such a sweet man. When I went up on stage, I saw the front tables - the 4As council members were all smiling up at me, giving me so much encouragement. Coool, after that, no problem oredi.

Well, I learnt one thing though - when I went up to the rostrum, I had a sweet in my mouth. I thought I had time to finish it - but the Co-MC started it off so fast that the only thing I could do was turn around, spit the sweet out and because I had no where else to throw it, I placed it on the rostrum. Aaargh... so shy, imagine what the pro MC thought of me!!! I hope I didn't gross him out.

After my opening comments - hmmm, what did I say ah? Can't really remember now. It always happens to me. When I'm speaking, I just let go. Then I can't remember what I said.

I think I shared what Neil French told me. He said : Once in a while, you may be struck by sheer inspiration - and you come up with a really good idea. It is fresh, exciting, never been done before. And it meets the brief, answers the strategy, moves people. It gets talked about, it gets remembered.

Now when that happens ... you have just earned your salary. That's your job - what you are paid to do. Why should you get an award for that?

You only get an award when you have done all that - and raised it to another level of greatness. Only then do you deserve an award.

I remember when I heard this, I felt so humble. And also so hungry to push my work that far. Neil is such an inspiration.

After my opening comments, it was a breeze. The rest of the night was just announcing the results, and although it required focus and concentration, it was such a thrill, to see 95% grads Andrew, Chris, Norman and ex-colleagues Fiona, Christie go up on stage to collect their awards. So proud, so proud of them all.

The highlight of the night for me was Hwa's 'speech'. That man is brilliant! He got his tea lady Aunty Foong to read out his speech, which basically said that Hwa not going to speak because no one wants to listen to speech! They come to Kancil awards to get mabuk and to take home awards, not to hear long speech!

The applause she (and Hwa) received was tremendous - it almost lifted the roof! Hwa should win Best Copywriting for that little stunt. Brilliant!

Here's the guru besar and me with our breathtakingly lovely Shinesters : Joanna, Nik and Amy.

fdddddddddsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssf5

2006-11-12T11:42:00.000+08:00

That was Boogey's attempt at blogging. He's been watching me work and like most cats I know, he's absolutely fascinated with the keyboard. rdddfgvvvvvv. His spelling isn't that great though.

On his first day at 95%, Boogey edited my copy, re-configured Raz's desktop, and took charge of our reception. He studied all the handouts we place on the front desk and chose the SIP one to sleep on. Then he supervised Yanti, our cleaner. He didn't seem too happy with her work so he took it upon himself to wipe the hidden nooks and crannies clean... with his fur. By afteroon, Raz and I noticed that his white paws were as grey as his ears.

The night that Peter gave a talk was Boogey's big coming out party. He was so excited when Andrew and I were arranging the chairs - he ran over and under and around and around until guests started arriving.

Was he shy? Oh no, Boogey is ccccccccccc;/ghhh-ppppppp6

OK - I'll stick with his description of himself.

Anyway, I think he really went all out on Friday night cos on Saturday, he just slept!

He slept and slept and slept.

I think there's something wrong with him. Doesn't seem like he has any bones - he'll sleep with his head hanging over the edge of the chair and then slowly slide off - like a puddle. He just flops and melts into the chair.

And he is soooooooo manja. How to be a footballer?!! I wondered - That's the guru besar's dream for Boogey.

Well, today is Sunday and it looks like Boogey's had enough sleep - he's very busy today! Now checking the printer, probably wondering why his writing isn't being printed yet.

OI! Get your paws out - there are no fish in my mug!!! gotta go ...

Here's my Wabi Sabi

2006-11-09T18:51:00.000+08:00

His full name is Wabi Sabi Bo Balian. Wabi Sabi is a Japanese philosophy that recognises the perfect harmony of nature's imperfections. We named him that because as you can see, when he is right side up, he looks like a decent black & white cat. Mostly black if you look at him from behind.

But when he is belly up (as he usually is), he presents a very different picture. He sleeps with total surrender. What bliss it must be! I love watching him sleep - makes me feel like there's nothing to worry about in this whole world. My stress just evaporates. Problem is, I just cannot leave him alone - I must, must bury my nose in his soft tummy. Cannot restrain myself.

Bo is for Bo Bice, and Balian is for Legolas in Kingdom of Heaven.
My usually sensible husband actually got him an email account and even made name cards for him. When I asked "Name cards? Why???" Sonny looked at me as though I was so du-uh and he said "so that when he meets other kittens he can give it to them la" Hmmm... I wonder how many cards he's actually given out.

Look la, how to feel tense when Wabi's like this ...

sigh... and when he is blissfully sleeping in my arms, I marvel at the wonder of God who has created two species that are so very different but can still find comfort in each other, and can be so connected. Amazing!

To see more of his photos, click on the title.

We are Cat-Sitting!

2006-11-09T18:19:00.000+08:00

Yay-yay, we are looking after the guru besar's cat Boogiemeister while he's in Bali (his third honeymoon this year. With same wife tho)

He's soooo soft and cuddly and likes to be around people. So unlike the owner.

Anyway, I've always felt that a cat makes a home complete. Now I feel that Boogie has brought so much warmth and homeliness into 95%, that I don't mind cleaning up over after him.

If you'd like to meet him, better come over before guru besar comes back on Wed!

aiya...

2006-11-08T20:41:00.000+08:00

so much to write about, so little time. I've got to rush home for dinner, cos I'm sure dear old mom will be waiting (even though I tell her not to). So I am writing this to remind myself to write about : Wabi Sabi (Sonny has emailed me lots of photos at last), more on Bali, and also excerpts from the amazing book I'm reading now : Paulo Coelho's Flow Like The River (or something like that)

But now, I'm gonna shut down and go home.

The Cambodian Street Peddlers

2006-11-08T20:31:00.000+08:00

Here's the story I promised to write :

My friend Pow visited Cambodia and she was surprised at how savvy the street peddlers are. Like many Asian countries, the street peddlers are children who have mastered the art of tugging at your heartstrings with their big melting eyes and persistent pleading :(

But these children are smart. Pow said that when she didn't want to buy, one of them came back with "If I can tell you the capital of Malaysia, will you buy?"

She was taken aback - and in her surprise, she agreed. Only later did she realise that it was probably a well thought out strategy!

So the next day, when she was once again swarmed with child peddlers, she challenged one : she said "I will buy only if you can tell me the capital cities of FIVE countries. And I will name the countries."

Guess what? She ended up buying again.

Although it's sad that they kids are doing this, I have to admire and respect their strategy for getting the sale.

You guys got any similar stories to share?

A Timely Message

2006-10-31T10:29:00.000+08:00

This was forwarded to me by Sonny - he knows what I'm going through right now, and this is just what I needed to be reminded of. I'm in the middle of a huge misunderstanding between my brother and father. Actually they both want the same thing - but not communicating, not getting through to each other. Aaarghhh!

I've copied this from a site called Daily Om. To visit, click on the title of this post.

October 30, 2006
Going Through The Opening
Contracting Before Expanding

Sometimes our lives contract before they expand. We may be working hard on ourselves spiritually, doing good in the world, following our dreams, and wondering why we are still facing constrictions of all kinds-financial, emotional, physical. Perhaps we even feel as if we've lost our spirituality and are stuck in a dark room with no windows. We may be confused and discouraged by what appears to be a lack of progress. But sometimes this is the way things work. Like a caterpillar that confines itself to a tiny cocoon before it grows wings and flies, we are experiencing the darkness before the dawn.

When things feel tight, it's easy to panic or want to act in some way to ease the feeling of constriction. We might also spin our wheels mentally, trying to understand why things are the way they are. However, there is nothing we need to do at this time other than to be patient and persevering. We can cling to the awareness that we are processing the shift from one stage to another, and the more we surrender to the experience, the more quickly we will move through the tightness into the opening on the other side. Just like a baby making its way down the birth canal, we may feel squeezed and pushed and very uncomfortable, but if we remember that we are on our way to being born into a new reality, we will find the strength to carry on.

Even as we endure the contractions, we can find peace within ourselves if we remember to trust the universe. We can look to the natural world for inspiration as we see that all beings surrender to the process of being born. In that surrender, and in the center of our own hearts, is a willingness to trust in the unknown as we make our way through the opening.

Ok - after reading this, I realise that maybe this mis-communication and the blow up I had with my brother needed to happen before we can heal, grow as a family and move on. For me now, I am challenged to practise all that our trainings stand for : win-win, openness, trust, and most of all, not giving up.

As I write this, I am reminded of what Neal Donald Walsh said : all our thoughts, words and actions are motivated by either one of two things - love or fear. I have many times fround this to be true. Now I see both my dad and brother are operating from fear. And there is certainly a lot to fear - if we don't surrender to God.

I remember also Shahnaz said to pray for two things : 1. for understanding, and 2. to have the strength to face whatever God gives.

So, with this, I think I am now ready to plunge into the day and focus on work, work, work!
I wish all of you a great day ;)

Small Things That Say A Lot

2006-10-27T19:27:00.000+08:00

You can tell a lot about a country and its people by looking at their handicrafts and the small things they do in everyday life. Just look at this : from the flowers to the hotel room key and the slippers - everything is so artistic and created with care. It says to me that this is a culture who values beauty and artistry. And time ... they know how to handle time. They take the time to create all this. In my everyday rush, this would be inconceivable.

These are offerings that every shop (and taxi!) put out every morning. Imagine the effort put into making them every single day!

Look at their local handicraft. it's not just quaint or rustic. It's gorgeous! These are things I would actually wear, and not just keep as souvenir. Of course, when I see shop after shop after shop all selling more or less the same thing, I don't stop at every one anymore. Also, I didn't want to spend toooo much on shopping this time.

More later ...
oh I must share this story I heard from a friend about Cambodia ... later

This is the life...

2006-10-23T18:58:00.000+08:00

Sigh ... floating without a care, at peace, at one with all...

In Bali, I would wake up at 6am (without any alarm) and it's bright daylight outside. I'll have a leisurely breakfast : about two hours drinking one pot of kopi keras, one pot of warm water, and one pineapple juice. By that time, Sonny would probably be up as well, pointing out that I haven't moved an inch in hours. Move? Why need to move? I was so comfortable just reading and day-dreaming that I don't notice time passing.

Actually, for the first few days, we felt that time was moving sooooo slowly. We'd be lazing and lazing and hey... it's only 9am! Oooh, I loved that. Although I'm a morning person, I love slow and gentle awakenings.

This is the beautiful Alit Beach Bungalow in Sanur. Very reasonably priced at US$30 a night. Huge grounds, over 100 bungalows (I think). Very, very nice. Here's a shot of the pool, and the public beach beyond the wall.

More later

Remember this doggie?

2006-10-21T11:46:00.000+08:00

No one responded to the posters we put up. My vet advised me to lure him into a cage somehow and bring him in - but he has grown and we couldn't find a cage big enough for him. And he's not always in our house. He comes and goes as he pleases.

I was getting worried because we were going away. What to do with the little fella? And his wound was smelling real bad.

Then my husband came up with what I thought was a great idea : call the SPCA, ask them to catch and treat him, and then we'll pay for all the costs incurred and adopt him.

So Sonny called them. Now guess what they said?!

First they advised him to call the Bandaraya dog catchers. Sonny said 'no' cos we didn't want the dog to be shot and killed. Then SPCA said, if they get their people to catch him, they would also put him to sleep! Sonny tried to explain to them again and again that we were willing to adopt him - just want him to be given medical aid. But nope, they stood their ground that if they took him in, they would put him to sleep.

I must say I am very disappointed. Yes, I understand that they are overcrowded and under-funded, under-staffed, and all that. But here we are willing to adopt, and they are not willing to help.

Well anyway, we left for Bali and I comforted myself with the thought that animals in the wild would somehow survive such injuries, so maybe he too would be able to heal himself.

When we came home, I found that he is still around, still coming and going as he pleases - and his wound seems to have dried up. There's no more smell and he's running away from me faster than ever. Think he's put on some weight too.

So I guess we'll just let him be. Our home is open to him for as long as he wants. But if his owner tracks him down, I'll be happy to let him go.

I'm Back!

2006-10-21T11:34:00.000+08:00

Hi-yo! I'm back from 7 glorious days in the blissful bubble of Bali.

It was my first holiday in two years (since we set up 95%), and it only hapened because one day about six months ago, the guru besar insisted that I was getting too grouchy and he forced (well, almost) me to book the air asia tickets immediately. It was for my own wellbeing and also that of 95%. Or maybe he wanted to book HIS Bali holiday too haha!
Anyway, I am so glad I did. It was just what I needed.

The tickets were really good value : total of RM505 for two pax return! And my husband found some great resorts on the net, which were relatively affordable. We stayed in Alit Beach Bungalow in Sanur, then moved to Honeymoon Guesthouse in Ubud. My husband palyed the part of Japanese tourist and took anout a zillion photos - forgot to get them from him so will post them later.

Wilson wins a Bronze!

2006-10-07T09:51:00.000+08:00

Wilson (with no surname) won a Bronze at the Crowbar Awards in Singapore last night. This is his winning entry - an ad for video rentals. Congratulations Wilson, may there be many more awards to come!

The Necklace

2006-10-06T09:58:00.000+08:00

My dear friend Chong Tao Fatt (who has dropped his Chinese name in favour of an English one : "Long Hair") sent this story to me - I haven't read this one before and the message is a powerful one. Here's the story, I'll share my experience after ...

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last, she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said that if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny,

"Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very favorite."

"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And, he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said,

"Here, daddy, this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket, pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls, and gave them to Jenny. He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures. Isn't God good? Are you holding onto things that God wants you to let go of?

Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities that you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go? Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing. God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

Good one eh? Here's my sharing : I once did a training where over 150 participants were playing musical chairs. I noticed that I got knocked out fast because I didn't want to let go of MY chair until I spotted another empty chair. Of course by the time I saw the empty chair, someone else who was closer grabbed it before me - that hit me like a ton of bricks! Being afraid to let go of what little I have showed me that I am not willing to risk, and therefore, I don't move ahead. Being attached to what I have will leave me with just that - what I already have, nothing new.

Now at 95%, what I see is that I still have a tendency to hold on to playing a 'comfortable' game - afraid to take on a bigger challenge cos I'm not willing to risk losing what I already have - like the girl in the story, this is something that I have worked so hard to earn.

Well, I've been getting some explosive coaching from guru besar (grads - you know what I mean, right? You only have him for 8 weeks, he's been wiith me for two years!) and finally I acknowledged that if I keep holding on to the small success that 95% has achieved, that is all I will ever have. It won't grow.

Now am I willing to let go of this small success (fake pearls) and have faith that something bigger (the real pearls) will come along? I don't know if the real pearls are waiting - but I am willing to let go and create space for a new experience. I went to bed deeply troubled one night and woke up realising that even if I don't trust myself, I trust God.

Do I know whether I can do it? I don't know. And I really mean I don't know. It doesn't mean 'I think I cannot'. Like I always tell our grads : if you don't know, do first, then you'll know whether you can or not.

In my case, I trust that God would not put me in this position if I was not ready. And although I don't know the mechanics, my intention is clear - 100% intention to give the best training ever and make a difference to thirty new participants.

Then when I told my still sleeping husband all this - he, still wrapped in his blanket with his eyes still closed, mumbled "You should trust Shahnaz also" and my response was Hhmmmphhh!!!

Ok la, put my pride and fears aside, that guru besar is really a good coach. I am blessed to have him constantly challenging me and constantly believing that I can do all these great things that I can't imagine myself doing. So Shahnaz, if you can be bothered to read my blog (if you can overcome your dislike of reading haha) Thank You!

Terry Fox Run Photos .. whoohoo!

2006-10-04T12:05:00.000+08:00

Oh wow, this really made my day! The photographer Terence Wong Kin Hoong who took some shots of us at the run actually emailed them to me. Yay! He remembered and even took the time to select, resize, dig up my email address and send them over. And he doesn't even know us. I am deeply, deeply touched.

In the pix above, from left : My best friend Agnes, our maid Robena, Mom, sis in law Phyllis pushing wheelchair, my 'golf buddy' and 95% partner Peter in black at back, and me. My niece Maxine is behind me.

Remember my earlier entry on how strangers came together and became instant friends - all because of a common cause? Well, this young man is proof of it.

Terence, bless you for your thoughtfulness and for reinforcing my faith. Your talent has made my day and I'm sure Mom, Dad, Sonny and whole family, and the Gans, will be thrilled to bits to see these pixes. Thank you lots!

Here we are all striding with renewed vigour cos Agnes just informed us that now, after 30 mins or so, we are starting to burn fat! From left : Robena, Peter pushing Mom, me, Agnes and our favourite young lady Summer.

A Giant Called "Kici"

2006-10-01T17:53:00.000+08:00

This fella is really amazing : first he was a late entry to AWARD school. He missed the entry deadline, but managed to persuade the organiser in Oz to allow him in. Now, he's got two of his ideas selected for exhibition at the AWARD school graduation last Thursday. The 26 participants were given ten briefs to work on, and only the best ideas for each brief were selected. Not an easy thing to achieve - but the way this guy pushed himself, he's bound to fly.

He's a great demonstration that anything is possible if you have the will and the guts. I'm very proud of you, Joescher. And from our meeting last week, I know CC+J will be all that you intend it to be. I don't know if you still use your nickname 'kici' - may not be relevant anymore cos you're on your way to be a big name in advertising.

Congratulations also to Chee Chiaw - wow, you look hot in the graduation pix that Joescher emailed to me.

Crowbar Shortlist

2006-09-28T11:57:00.000+08:00

Congratulations, Wilson (with no surname!) on getting three, three!!! ads into the Crowbar shortlist. Glad you had the guts to enter, and hope you get something. The standards are high cos it's a regional award show, so even getting in is an achievement. Great job, and keep aiming higher and higher! The fairy is blessing you with lots of magic dust and rainbow wishes.
Come on, join in and wish Wilson lotsa succcess!

This is one of his shortlisted ideas :

This photo was taken at the Advertising Unplugged talk organised by How & Why and 4As last year. From left : Guru Besar Shahnaz, Yasmin Ahmad, Me, Wilson, Theng and Joescher. We're so relieved ... phew!... that 95% grads asked intelligent questions, and made an impression on Yasmin. As for Wilson... hahaha, better ask him what impression HE made!

Is this your little doggie?

2006-09-25T19:18:00.000+08:00

I know it's a long shot. I'm worried about this little fella : a black puppy with red collar. He wandered into my garden a few weeks ago, after being chased by the neighbourhood rowdies. My Walter and Bandit are the only dogs in the area who will allow this puppy to share their home. Dear Bandit is even sharing his food.

I'm worried cos this puppy is wounded - he has a big bite on his neck, and he won't let us near him.

If you know anyone who's lost a black puppy, please let me know.

I feel so sad when I look into the puppy's eyes. He needs to be with his loved ones.

2006-09-22T19:04:00.000+08:00

Our 6th Intake "The Funkers" graduated on June 30th (ya, I know I'm late with the photos).
A tight team of 8 talented youngsters who set the record for being the cleanest, greatest tidy-uppers in 95%. Miss you guys: Yenny, who's gone back to Medan. Chris, who's put on weight. Bisma, who's been our official 95% photographer. Kathie & Andrew, who have been doing some great work for Kancil Student Awards. Max, who's been smiling non-stop. Ummi who's apparently found love. Tuck and Rachel, who are as exuberant as ever! So glad that you guys came for the Cause To Champion presentation and made your pressence felt. And for Graduation too!

Our 7th Intake "The Other 5%" graduated just last week. Two fresh grads from LUCT, two copywriters and two designers : all incredibly hard working. Don't know how these guys managed to produce so much work in the time that they had. Amazing! Fly high, all of you!

Biggest Ever Training Overview

2006-09-22T16:25:00.000+08:00

On Tuesday night, we had 47 LUCT students come over to find out about 95% Trainings, and the November Creatives In Progress. Their commitment was impressive - some arrived in Bangsar as early as two hours before time! Just to make sure they won't be late. Many had no idea where we were located but they came anyway and somehow found their way here.

It was great to see so many young and eager students who are still one or two years away from graduating, already taking steps to give themselves an edge. They are serious!

I was also very impressed by our graduates Sue, Joescher, Bisma, Johan and Mahadi who shared their experiences. You guys spoke like pros - no preparation also no sweat wan ah? coool...

A big THANK YOU to everyone, especially Guru Besar, who made it happen that night. And THANK YOU too to all those who have volunteered their time to ease our incredible workload these past two weeks - Bala, Kathie, Andrew, Norman, Bisma, Chris, Sue, Fadzly, Max and our two sexy male secretaries (you know who you are) ... Without you, I wouldn't be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I do see it, bright and clear ... YAY! Deep-deep thanks to all of you.

Looking forward to packed classes in November!

United By A Common Goal

2006-09-20T10:44:00.000+08:00

The Terry Fox Run was an amazing demonstration of how strangers who have a common goal are instantly united. As I was pushing Mom, we met an American pushing his mom - and we just started talking and sharing so easily, it was the natural thing to do. Everyone who was involved, from the San Francisco coffee staff who were trying to get me the right size of t-shirts, to the volunteers, to the photgraphers, and other 'runners' - was more than willing to be friendly and helpful each other along. It was only natural.

So if 9,000 strangers can be friendly and supportive to each other because of our common goal to raise funds for cancer research - imagine this... 6 billion people on this planet also have one common goal : to live in peace, love and joy.

I believe this deep desire is what every human being wants, no matter what race, religion or age. Maybe we sometimes forget, or get distracted, or get caught up in the struggle to just simply survive - the most basic need (maslow). If we can remind ourselves, if I can remind myself, that we all have this one common goal then hey, let's unite, reach out and be friends.

As our newly graduated Creatives In Progress once said "Let there be no strangers among us".

The Best Weekend Ever!

2006-09-18T20:43:00.000+08:00

My warmest thanks to all of you who sent me birthday wishes : on this blog as well as via sms.
I had a really, really, reeeeally nice weekend.

I didn't go in to 95% at all (thank you guru besar, for checking on me!)
I ate lots - discovered that Fasta Pasta at Ikano serves fresh made pasta ... yum!
lazed in bed lots (with Wabi Sabi)
and made Mom laugh lots!
Perfect weekend.

Terry Fox run was great - very inspiring to see so many people participate. I heard somewhere that 3,000 people took part this year, compared to last year's 400 odd pax. If you want to read up about the event and see some really nice pixes, visit www.jeffooi.com

A photographer Terrence Wong took some photos of us pushing Mom in her wheelchair - when he emails me, I'll put them up.
I actually have lots to share about the incredible event - but gotta go home for dinner now.
No matter how old I am, I still got to answer to my mommy.

Celebrate My Birthday With Me...

2006-09-11T18:40:00.000+08:00

Hey, this old auntie will be turning 42 this weekend! Aaaargh ... yes, 42!

Actually, once upon a time, I thought I would be over the hill by the time I hit my 40's. You know, sitting in a rocking chair, knitting, with a cat on my lap ...

But the strange thing is, no matter how old (or young) I am, I think that 'now' is the prime of my life. When I was in my 20's, I thought that was my prime. Same with my 30's. And now, whoohoooo! I'm having more fun, feeling more alive than ever before.

Cool, huh?

Ok, for this year - I'd like to celebrate by gathering as many people as possible to join the Terry Fox run on Sunday 17th Sept. Proceeds go to cancer research. It is an incredible movement started by a young man who was diagnosed with bone cancer way back in 1977. He set up the run 'The Marathon of Hope' in 1980 - and started running even though his right leg was amputated and he was running on an artificial limb. He ran for 143 days until the cancer spread to his lungs. Today, more than twenty years after Terry's demise, his marathon is stil being run around the world!

Click on the title to visit the site.

If you would like to celebrate with me - pls post your confirmation here - and I'll see you at 8am at Lake Gardens this Sunday!

(Eh guru besar and rest of the 95% gang, no need to susah-susah buat surprise party k. Just get off your fat lazy ass and run with auntie (ok, you run, I walk hehehe))

Is My Dream Really My Dream?

2006-09-07T18:11:00.000+08:00

How do I know if the dream I am working towards is really THE dream of my life? When things are bright and smooth sailing, it's easy to take it for granted. But whenever it gets stormy ...

When things get rough, and everything seems impossible - That's when I ask myself the difficult questions. Questions like : Am I being committed to manifesting my vision, or just too plain stubborn and too stupid to wake up and come to my senses? Am I a fool to carry on, or a hero for not giving up?

Do I want it bad enough that I am willing to start over and rebuild, over and over, even if I have to go it alone?

Is this latest obstacle the hurdle that will break me?

How much more can I take?

I believe that these challenges will come and keep coming. If not, there wouldn't be any growth. I remember an old friend Mike Veerapen telling me a long time ago that it doesn't matter what I choose to do - as long as I go the distance with it. See it all the way through to the very end (whatever 'the end' is). It is only a vehicle for me to experience my ability to grow with it. He compared it to raising a child : the challenges of bringing up a baby, toddler, and teen are all very different. And it is the same with running a business.

I understand now what he means.

And I am grateful for all the various challenges that have come my way.

I am clearer about my dream now. I understand now, why I don't want to do trainings at home, under a tree (this suggestion has been hurled at me many times - why so stupid to maintain a large training centre?!).

My dream is to build a business on a foundation of my own values : Peace, Love, Joy, Honour and Integrity. I stand for the Spirituality in every being - I believe that people are good through and through - how do I know? Because we are all one.

I want to prove that it works! My way appears to be quite different from the norm - compared to the stereotypical boss, many of the things I do would appear too softy-soft and not money-minded enough. Will it bring in profits? I honestly don't know. I think so, and I want to do everything I can to find out.

THIS is what I am willing to commit myself to. And I'm going to keep on, no matter how difficult or lonely it feels. Maybe (hopefully) being stubborn is not such a bad thing after all.

Here are some quotes that give me strength.
Hope they inspire you too ...

THOMAS ALVA EDISON:
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

WINSTON CHURCHILL:
If you're going through hell, keep going.

BENJAMIN DISRAELI:
The secret of success is constancy to purpose.

DALE CARNEGIE:
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

My Idea Of A Perfect World

2006-09-04T09:37:00.000+08:00

In this current intake of Creatives In Progress, we've been discussing the joys and wonders of people from different racial, religious and cultural backgrounds seeing similarities in each other - and becoming friends.

Incredible thing is, while we were in the midst of discussing this in class yesterday afternoon - at the same time, my husband was sharing an article which is the perfect demonstration of what we were tallking about. And he was sharing it with his American best friend. Another perfect demonstration!

I have pasted the article here as I think this is an amazing example of how we can experience and express love and universal oneness... It's a blog entry (posted by a Malay Muslim journalist - Azlan) that says something about multi-racial & multi-religious existance in Malaysia.

It was recently recorded in a Malaysian socio-political blog site about the passing away of the Chief Buddhist Monk of Malaysia, the Venerable Dr K. Sri Dhammananda Nayaka Maha Thera. He passed away on 31s August 2006, the day of the Malaysian Independance.

This article was also featured in New Straits Times yesterday.

Enjoy ...

****************************************

AS a news reporter with The Malay Mail between 1994 and 2005, I met Rev. Dhammananda several times – usually during Wesak Day celebrations he led at the Buddhist Maha Vihara (temple) in Brickfields and a few other occasions.

Every time I bumped into him, I only asked a few questions just to get some quotes for my news report. Never did I have a proper conversation with him. I regret that now.

I'd like to share what to me was a very special experience during one of my meetings with him.

It was on Christmas Day in 1998 when my Assistant News Editor assigned me to cover a Christmas party for some 200 underprivileged children. It was quite a news-worthy item to cover as it was held at the vihara (Buddhist temple) in Brickfields, organised by a group of Christians, the Santa Claus was a Hindu and the contributor for all the balloons adorning the party area was a Muslim!

But what I will remember of that day forever was what the Reverend said and did.

You see, Dec '98 was also the month of Ramadhan, where (many) Muslims like me were fasting. By the time I arrived at the vihara, it was 6.30pm and many children were already playing around, taking photos with Santa and being entertained by a clown, among others.

At about 15 minutes before 7-something pm (buka puasa time), I was busy thinking of where to go for my dinner - either the nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken or a roadside teh tarik stall, both within walking distances from the vihara.

The Reverend, the vihara's religious advisor back then, must have been observing me. He walked up to me and, as if he had read my mind, calmly said: "Young man, don't think too much. You can buka puasa here. I will accompany you."

I agreed in a split second. He solved my problem!

"Please forgive us. We only have vegetarian dishes here," he humbly and smilingly added, while leading me to a dining table somewhere in the vihara's premises.

I was speechless. He brought me right down to earth with those few simple words. Even if there were only cookies served with lots of plain water at the vihara, I'll be happy enough.

So, there we were, sitting at the dining table, together with a few other priests in their saffron robes and a spread of vegetarian dishes was laid out in front of us.

As I was making sure my wristwatch was accurate, the Reverend took out a small pocket radio transistor from somewhere, turned it on and tuned in to a Bahasa Malaysia radio station.

As scheduled, the muezzin recited the call for the evening prayer through the little speaker, which also marked the moment to break fast.

"Go ahead, Azlan," he told me to start first. Only after I had my first gulp of water for the day, did he and the other priests start eating. I was honoured and humbled at the same time.

The fact that I didn't go to KFC or the the tarik stall wasn't because I didn't know how to turn down the Chief High Priest of Malaysian and Singaporean Theravada Buddhists' dinner invitation. It was buka puasa in a Buddhist temple for me, during a Christmas party! How cool was that, eh?

Seriously, the Reverend's humble gestures greatly raised my respect and admiration for him. During that brief encounter with him, my personal tolerance and understanding towards other people's faiths, beliefs and cultures was greatly altered, for the better.

In less than an hour of dining together, his simple acts of humility made me a better person, more open-minded and drastically changed, for the better, my ways of looking at the world I live in.

It was a small but very refreshing respite for this one tired reporter near the end of that very colourful and turbulent year – street 'Reformasi' protests, KL Commonwealth Games, the horrible smog and the Asian economic crisis, among many others.

To me, the Rev. Dhammananda was a great Buddhist and more importantly, a great human being.

Malaysia and its Buddhist community have lost a very special person.

With much sadness, I bid farewell to him.

We are looking for 'The Chosen One'

2006-08-29T18:00:00.000+08:00

95% is looking for an individual to take on the position of Training Executive. The criteria to be 'the chosen one' are as follows:

* Love to be with people, talk to people, make a difference to people. If you prefer to spend your time in front of the computer, you are not the one.

* Have an eye for detail. Doesn't have to be as detailed as a CSI or an obsessive compulsive like Monica in Friends, but enough to organise your work efficiently, and handle follow ups faithfully.

* Goal oriented. You get high on setting goals and achieving them.

* Love to be part of a dynamic team of passionate individuals who are as tight as family. We work hard, play hard, laugh a lot, and eat even more! Those who are looking for a serious corporate environment, please stay away.

There will be a fixed salary and a commission scheme that guarantees a win for both parties. If you think you have close to 95% of the mentioned characteristics, call Esther at 03-2287 7095 or email askme@95percent.com.my

Message from The Guru

2006-08-29T17:04:00.000+08:00

Neil French has an inspiring message for creatives.
Click on What's Up At 95% (link on the left) to see and hear it.

What's Up At 95%

2006-08-28T20:08:00.000+08:00

To keep everyone in touch with what's happening at 95%, we have created a new blog! Click on the title to visit whatsupat95percent.blogpsot.com or use the link on the left.
It's still new so there isn't a lot of stuff there yet, but do visit often cos we'll be putting updates on trainings, activities, graduates, and all sorts of newsy stuff.
(oh, and the guru besar has been doing the writing! waaah...)

2006-08-28T19:34:00.000+08:00

Thanks David & Alina.
Our Story Writers In Progress (and Advanced SIP) graduate David Byck and his lovely wife Alina recently gave 95% the blessed opportunity to create an ad for his new book. This is what a couple of our graduates produced (I'm not revealing their names only cos I don't want to assume that it's ok with them) Guys, if it is ok for you to be known as the creators of this ad, pls reveal yourself - you did a great job, with much sensitivity and heart. I'm proud of the way you two embraced this project, embraced the book, and gave your full commitment to the job. Namaste.

How do you eat cream crackers?

2006-08-25T11:00:00.000+08:00

The other night, while brainstorming with Norman and Rae, they shed some amazing insight on how cream crackers should be eaten! Do you nibble round the edges and leave the center for last? Or do you crunch it from left to right?

The amazing insight that I gained was how much time and energy these two guys were willing to spend on the subject (instead of working out their ideas).

And I also learnt that if you change your seat while eating, you will marry more than one wife. Fascinating!

This is how I feel on Mondays...

2006-08-21T17:12:00.000+08:00

Yay! Another whole new week for me to play ... so much to explore, so many things to chase. I love Mondays! (guess this is a symptom of loving my job?) Cat lovers, you must click on the title!